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Fred Colon
From Discworld & Pratchett Wiki
| Fred Colon | |
 | |
| Name | Fred Colon |
| Age | close to retirement |
| Race | Human |
| Occupation | Ankh-Morpork City Watch |
| Looks | |
| Residence | Ankh-Morpork |
| Death | |
| Parents | |
| Relatives | |
| Children | yes even grand children |
| Marital Status | yes |
| Books | Many |
| Cameos | |
Fred Colon is a long-time member of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, for most of that time a sergeant. Currently the most senior member of the Watch, he is "one of nature's sergeants": good at organizing small tasks, rotas of various descriptions, whip-rounds and other informal funds, etc. He is extremely bad at paperwork, keeping the wage chitty safe, and other officer's tasks. Physically, he is somewhat rotund and has been described as looking something like a pork butcher. He tends to be partnered with Nobby Nobbs.
In between his first period of service in the Watch (described in Night Watch) and his subsequent service (described in Guards! Guards! and subsequent books) Colon served in various Armies. His first service was with the Duke of Quirm's Middleweight Infantry, followed by service with the Duke of Eorle's First Heavy Infantry Regiment (the Pheasant Pluckers). Colon has seen front-line service, but still manages to cherish illusions about it, except when talking to Angua von Überwald.
Colon is very average-Ankh-Morporkian, complete with prejudices against other nationalities and species no matter how many of them are now his colleagues, neighbors, and owners of small diners that he patronizes. Like many Ankh-Morporkians, Colon likes street theatre, is nervous in the presence of city dignitaries, and is mildly illiterate. Colon may also be seen as representative of the "old Watch". He doesn't actively ask for bribes or "protection fees", but if a restaurant owner or a shop owner needs a small favor (like having a clamped cart released; see Traffic Division, Ankh-Morpork City Watch), they can give him a free meal or other things, and the problem will be easily solved. He doesn't like to chase criminals or rush into the fracas, because no good comes from dying on duty. He spends most of his patrol time leaning against some wall and having a quiet smoke. Thanks to this policy, almost none of the city's major landmarks have ever been stolen (except for the Brass Bridge, once, but that turned out to be a student prank).
For a short period of time, Colon was acting captain of the watch (in The Fifth Elephant). He turned out to be completely inadequate, having attacks of paranoia over the number of sugar cubes, which added up differently each time.
Fred has been married for many years. He has a wife, children, and even grandchildren, something of a rare achievement among Watchmen. In the bad old days, Watchmen either didn't get to have a wife, or turned their wives into widows. The success of his marriage has largely been put down to the fact that Mrs Colon works days and he works nights.
Although he has talked about retirement, this does not seem likely to happen any time soon. Apart from anything else, the only non-uniform clothing he owns is a badly-fitting suit.
He is currently holding dual position of Custody Officer and Watch Liaison Officer; jobs so vague that no one is entirely sure what they entail, least of all Colon himself. They serve the dual purpose of preventing his brain from becoming overburdened with responsibility and avoiding the catastrophic possibility that he might be given a task of any real importance.
Closer examination, though, shows that Colon has some hidden depths. As Vimes thought it, most of the other watch officers saw a fat, stupid, lazy, cowardly man and that was mostly what was there, but Colon and Nobby have a street-level knowledge of Ankh-Morpork on a par with Vimes and are good at sensing tension in a crowd. Both are also survivors of the Glorious 25th of May, accompanied the Patrician deep into enemy territory (albeit unwillingly) during a war (see Jingo) and shot an arrow at an actual Noble dragon from a rooftop (even though he had to change his underwear afterwards). Colon also performs his duties in Thud! fairly well. He is an amiable jailer, and bright enough to keep the keys in a closed tin box in the bottom drawer of his desk, well out of reach of anything an inmate would be able to use. His office, in a separate building from the main watch house, is frequented by old acquaintances who want somewhere quiet to get away from the wife, hear what's happening on the street and - in Vimes' words - "gossip like washerwomen." For this free-flowing source of information, Vimes considers the cost of donuts on an expense voucher a very favorable trade.
There are Colons everywhere. Due to morphic resonance, you will find incarnations of Fred all over the multiverse. Some of the more major known incarnations are Sergeant Doppelpunkt in Bad Blintz, the officer Sam Vimes thinks of as "Colonesque" in Überwald and even Sergeant Ray Comely on Roundworld.
Annotation
The actual name "Fred Colon" may be a reference to Fred Organ, a fat, benign, placid-tempered sergeant in The Virgin Soldiers by Leslie Thomas.
