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Purity

2017-06-06T00:25:07Z

Mute Ant:

{{Character Data
|title= Purity
|photo=
|name= Purity
|age=
|race= human
|occupation= Nursemaid
|appearance=
|residence= [[Ramkin Residence]], [[Scoone Avenue]], [[Ankh (city)|Ankh]]
|death=
|parents=
|relatives=
|children=
|marital status=
|books=
|cameos= {{T!}}
}}

'''Purity''' is/was the live-in nursemaid hired by the [[Sam Vimes|Duke]] and [[Sybil Ramkin|Duchess]] of [[Ankh (city)|Ankh]] to care for their infant son, [[Young Sam]] whilst they saw to their duties. While she is working for them, Purity is provided with bed and board. She is described as "''seem[ing the] decent type''."

In ''[[Book:Snuff|Snuff]]'', it is mentioned that she has an 'understanding' with [[Willikins]] the butler, and that Willikins would dare cheat on her.

[[Category:Discworld characters|Purity]]
[[de:Reinlich]]

Assassins' Guild

2017-06-06T00:15:41Z

Mute Ant:

{{spoilersfor|''[[Book:Men at Arms|Men at Arms]]''}}
[[Image:Ass02.png|left|200px]]
Motto: ''NIL MORTIFI, SINE LVCRE''

''No killing without pay''

Also known as the 'Conlegium Sicariorum'.

This is one of the most powerful among the [[Guilds of Ankh-Morpork]]. The current head of the Assassins' Guild is [[Lord Downey]], who took over after his predecessor, [[Cruces|Dr. Cruces]], was killed by [[Carrot Ironfoundersson]] during the events of [[Book:Men at Arms|Men At Arms]]. Its Guildhall is topped with a weathervane like a silhouetted assassin poised to inhume the wind.

The traditional Assassins' hand signal is that of two fingers pressed against a thumb - the otherwise-universal sign for money. Without which, of course, assassination wouldn't take place. They do not murder indiscriminately, as that would be rank bad form. No, no, they are not common killers. They would take that most ill, should you be rash enough to suggest it. No, they are merely gentlemen who, for a consideration, may see their way clear to smoothing some of life's problems for other gentlemen. But in a highly democratic way: Their definition of gentlemen includes everyone - at least everyone with enough money to pay for the specific contract. Ths includes [[Zombies]] who want to settle the score with their murderers, and even the [[Auditors]].

Their light and airy Guild house is adjacent to the [[Fools' Guild]] house (see {{MAA}}). Their school is noted for giving one of the best educations you can have. Usually children of high-standing noble families attend the Assassins' school (although most do not study the Black Syllabus). The school's reputation even reaches into far-off countries. For example, [[71-hour Ahmed]] from [[Klatch]] admitted that he had trained at, and been licensed by, the Guild (see {{J}}), as was King [[Pteppicymon XXVIII]] of [[Djelibeybi]].

However, there is always a place for a scholarship boy, partly out of a spirit of ''noblesse oblige'', but mainly because "''any commoner showing an uncommon aptitude for the profession had better bloody well be where ''we'' can see him''." This is, after all, the way the upper classes have traditionally dealt with potentially troublesome but talented outsiders: by absorbing them into the privileged upper class, rather than risk having them outside leading a revolution. Scholarship pupils include [[Inigo Skimmer]], Professor [[Cranberry]], and possibly [[Zlorf Flannelfoot]], who rose all the way to become Guild President.

The Guild is known to hold a number of inter-house competitions within the Guild School including the [[Wilkinson Cup]].

Scholarship pupils are Assassins who are not fortunate enough to be backed by upscale families or to have an independent income, are as often as not employed by the [[Patrician]] as part of a select and shadowy body of employees known as [[Dark Clerk]]s.

The Assassins have a high moral standard, in their own terms. They scrupulously stick to the rules of their Guild. Those rules include a prohibition of killing without a contract or fee. If you did, you would be a common murderer, not an ''Assassin'' (note the capitalization).

This rule has been broken by the student Assassin [[Jonathan Teatime]] (appears in {{H}}). He seemed to kill for the mere pleasure of it, a fact that made him a dangerous criminal, even by Assassins' standards. If it were not for the events of ''Hogfather'', he may have had to be disposed of in a discreet manner by his fellows.

It is, however, worth noting the current Head Master has said 'No one became a great Assassin by always obeying the rules. Of course, no one ever became a great Assassin by disobeying the rules ''and getting caught'', either.'

Assassins should wear black, a rule that has been challenged by [[Havelock Vetinari]], while he was at the Assassins' school himself. He outdid all the others by wearing various shades of grey and green to blend better into the shadows. However, Vetinari is said to have actually ''failed'' his first attempt at the exam in Stealth and Concealment, simply because the adjudicating senior Assassin thought he hadn't bothered to turn up. Vetinari re-sat the exam, taking care to strive for something less than 100% effectiveness, and passed with a high mark. Others who wore black only were not as effective. See the Hon. [[John Bleedwell]].

Another, not widely advertised, rule says that the inhumed-to-be should be told who had sent the Assassin, and who the Assassin was. This rule was obeyed by the young Lord Vetinari, who inhumed Lord [[Winder]].

Only two people have been taken off their scale of fees so far. No assassination contract will be accepted either for Lord Vetinari, nor for Commander [[Samuel Vimes]]. The reasons are that even the Assassins think that Vetinari alive is much less a threat than a dead Vetinari, as you can never be sure whether he will stay dead. As for Sam Vimes, multiple assassinations have been planned, attempted and failed. He seems to be too ingenious in outwitting and ruining every attempt, and the assassins have finally given up on him, at least for the time being. A third, ostensibly active, contract is more of an embarrassment: it is known that the Guild has an open contract on Corporal "Nobby" Nobbs of the City Watch. This has not been retracted, but is for such a derisorily small amount of money (fivepence) that no self-respecting Guild member would ever accept it. It is perhaps there as a joke of some kind, and in any case Commander Vimes would get very ''intense'' if ever the Assassins went after one of his men.

The Guild has an impressive library, known as the Dark library, where their section on famous assassinations, weaponry and the methodology of inhumation is rumoured to be greater than even that of the Library at [[Unseen University]]. The Guild also takes great pride in their history of inhumations. They maintain a long gallery of famous people the Guild has inhumed, with small silver nameplates modestly telling which assassin had the privilege of inhuming them. It is considered the highest honor for an assassin to have that small, silver nameplate discreetly placed near their famous inhumations. There is also a museum showing various artefacts that have helped certain people to an earlier grave than they had anticipated. The fabled [[gonne]] was kept here until it was stolen by [[Edward d'Eath]].

Lord Downey and Lord Vetinari were old enemies during their school years (see {{NW}}).

Most of the gentlemen, and at least one woman, from the noble family [[Selachii]] are trained and licensed Assassins.

Sam Vimes hates them with a passion. Ironically, he (thanks to his marriage to Sybil) holds the deed to the land on which the Assassins' Guild rests.

==Masters of the Guild of Assassins==

*Sir [[Gyles de Munforte]] (Founder)
*Dr Gulliaume de Chacal (First Head Master)
* [[Follett|Dr. Follett]] (in {{NW}})
* [[Zlorf Flannelfoot]] (in {{COM}})
* [[Cruces|Dr. Cruces]] (until the events of {{MAA}})
* [[Lord Downey]] (in various books since {{MAA}})

==Members of the Guild of Assassins==

Important Assassins who have been mentioned in the Discworld books include:

* Lord [[Havelock Vetinari]] Holding the Title 'Provost of Assassins' and the following degrees: DMAP, DM, DGS, MA, MPE, MASc, MIDD, BScI & DiPE (appears in various books)
* [[Pteppicymon XXVIII]] (in {{P}})
* [[71-hour Ahmed]] (in {{J}})
* [[Jonathan Teatime]] (in {{H}})
* [[Inigo Skimmer]] (in {{TFE}})
* "Professor" [[Cranberry]] (not a genuinely conferred title - in {{MM}})
* Mr [[Winvoe]], Guild Treasurer, encountered in {{H}}
* Lord [[Robert Selachii]], thwarted in {{SM}}
* Señor [[Miguel Portijo]], Selachii's co-thwartee and assistant

Other Assassins mentioned in the books, as cameos or non-speaking characters:-

* [[Grinjo]] (in {{COM}})
* [[Eustace Bassingly-Gore]]
* Sir [[Richard Liddleley]]
* Sir [[Bernard Selachii]]
* [[Urmond]] (in {{COM}})
* [[Vyrt]] (mentioned in {{P}})
* [[Remora Selachii]]
* [[Arachne]], surname unknown, a graduate with a passion for wildlife. Well, certain sorts, anyway.
* Guillaume Dire (assassinated Olerve the Bastard in {{M}}; name is given in {{AGD}})

Named student Assassins:

*[[Cheesewright]]
*[[Chidder]]
* [[Jasper Chrysoprase]]
*[[Fliemoe]]
* Arthur [[Ludorum]]
* Ludo [[Ludorum]]
* [[Snoxall]]
* [[Jocasta Wiggs]]

Former pupils who left without Taking Black:

* [[Cosmo Lavish]]
* [[Sendivoge]]
* [[Findthee Swing]]

==Guild Tutors==

Current College Tutors, as listed in [[Book:Discworld's Assassins' Guild Diary 2000|Assassins' Guild Diary]]
* Lord [[Downey]], MA (Master of Assassins, Head Tutor & Guild President)
* Mr [[Mericet]], DMAP, MA, BScI (Under Master, teaches [[Strategy and Poison Theory]])
* The Extremely Reverend Dr [[A-Pox-Upon-Their-Houses Jenkins]], DGS (Religious Studies/Guild Chaplin)
* Mr Moody, BW (Personal Grooming)
* Baron Strifenkanen, DMAP (Applied Pathology)
* [[de Yoyo|Kompt de Yoyo]], DM, DL ([[Modern Languages and Music]])
* Dr [[Von Ubersetzer]], DL (Ancient Languages)
* M. de Balourd, MIDD (Dance and Deportment)
* Mme les [[Deux-Epees]], MA, DiPE (Fencing and Edged Weapons)
* Mr Linbury-Court, MA (History)
* Mr [[Lamister]]
* Mr [[Bradlofrudd]], DiPE (Llamedos) (Physical Education)
* Miss [[Alice Band|Band]], DiPE (Climbing, Traps, Locks)
* Miss [[Smith-Rhodes]] (Domestic Science and Organic Poisons)
* Professor [[Stone]], MASc (Alchemy and Metalwork)
* Lady [[T'malia|T'Malia]], MA, MPE, BScI ([[Political Expediency]])
* Mr [[Graumunchen]], MA (Geography)
* Mr Schotter, MS (Mathematics)
* Mr [[Grunworth Nivor|Nivor]], MA, BScI (Traps & Advanced Ambush)

==Guild Staff & Servants==

The guild has a dedicated staff performing all the vital roles required by any large organisation. While not assassins themselves, they have had years of experience within the guild, and young students would be unwise to upset any of them.

* the [[Chief Armourer]] (currently vacant)
*Mr Carter, MGB - Chief Butler
*Mr [[Winvoe]], MGAU - Bursar
*Mrs Collar - Bedder
*Guild [[Doctor]] (at the time of {{P}}).
*Sister Lister, SSSHS - Matron
*Mr Robey - Scullion
*Mr Bracegirdle - Porter
*Mr [[Maroon]] - Porter
*Mr [[Stippler]] - Porter
*Mr Scummidge - deceased; Porter in [[Windle Poons]]'s youth
*Mr Bearhugger - Head Brewer
*Monsieur Insignes-Forvant, FGC - Chef
*The grandmother of [[Glenda Sugarbean]] - deceased; Chef during [[Vetinari]]'s school days
*Taster (currently vacant)
*Mr [[Wussie Staid]] - Janitor
*[[Washable Topsy]] - laundress

==School Houses==

Within the Guild, the school is broken into Houses, each with a House Tutor. A list follows of these Houses and their Heads of House:
* [[Viper House]] (Mr [[Grunworth Nivor|Nivor]])
* [[Scorpion House]] (Lady [[T'malia]])
* [[Tump House]] (Miss [[Alice Band]])
* Broken Moons House (Mr Moody)
* Raguineau's (Baron Strifenkanan)
* [[Pernypopax Dampier House]] (Professor [[Stone]])
* Cobra House (Mr [[Mericet]])
* [[Wigblock Prior]] ([[Kompt de Yoyo]])
* [[B2 House]] [day pupils] (Dr [[von Ubersetzer]])
* [[C1 House]] [day pupils] (Dr Perdore)
* [[Mykkim House]] (Mr Linbury-Court)
* [[Mrs Beddowe's House]] (M. le Balourd)
* [[Tree Frog House]] [day pupils] (Mr [[Bradlofrudd]])
* [[Black Widow House]] [girls] (Mme les [[Deux-Epées]])
* [[Welcome Soap House]] (Mr [[Graumunchen]])
* [[Raven House]] (Miss [[Smith-Rhodes]])

''"The Assassins' Guild School was created by taking a classic British public school and turning all the knobs up past eleven, especiially the one marked 'violence'"'' (Terry Pratchett, quoted in {{AOD}})

Semi-formally the houses have acquired nicknames: Crabs, Croakers, Buzzers, Seen'emalls, Loonies, Sliders, Flat'eads, Soapies, Beddiboys, Raggies, Wiggies, Rats, Scarecrows, Tumpers and Poppies. As a more recent addition the Black Widow house has yet to have a nickname enshrined by tradition. Most names it has attracted were considered unprintable in the [[Book:Discworld's Assassins' Guild Diary 2000|Assassin's Guild Diary]] however one suggestion was 'Darners' (on the basis 'they'll all end up as [[Seamstresses]] one day').

== School Uniform ==

As with educational establishments all over the Multiverse, the initial uniform handed out to pupils of eleven, twelve and thirteen is issued out of a sadistic desire to impress on the wearer exactly how lowly an insect they are in God's garden, and to instill in the wearer, entirely of his or her own volition, a desire to succeed and get to the point where the hated rags may be discarded in favour of something with at least the ''potential'' to carry a bit more style. [[Horrids]] of [[Broadway]] have the franchise to provide school uniforms and the more ''general'' sort of equipment to pupils at the [[Assassins' Guild]] School. No doubt they know where the more ''specialised'' sort of equipment may be got. At the usual Horrids sort of mark-up.

Thus we have:-

''Girls, eleven-thirteen'': the Guild School stipulates white blouse, shapeless; a black gymslip or pinafore; black wooly stockings or tights (sixty to eighty denier) sensible flat shoes without adornment, and a round black hat known as the Blonker. The Guild Crest must be visibly apparent at the right breast or lapel.

''Boys, eleven - thirteen'':- must adopt the New Bod uniform of a midnight blue frock coat and knee britches, worn with cream waistcoat and ruffled shirt along with a black tricorn hat of beaver pelt. Scholarship and Charity boys will be distinguished at all times by wearing white duck trousers as well as the white scholars' gown.

Both sexes Take Black in the third year and are allowed to wear black clothing.

==Businesses==

The Guild runs a rather specialised home insurance service: if someone breaks into a house insured by the Guild, an automatic contract is put out on their lives. Houses insured by the guild displays a Guild seal. It is not clear what issues of professional courtesy and [[demarcation]] this raises with the [[Thieves' Guild]]. It might be assumed that this is regarded as an inter-Guild courtesy, if the break-in were to be carried out by unlicenced Thieves; should the Guild take out a contract on a licenced Thieves' Guild member merely because that Thief is acting in accordance with their own Guild rights and privileges, however, such a contract might be on more shaky ground. Besides, the Thieves' Guild offer their own similar insurance policies to householders - does this breach demarcation? Advertising for the insurance services offered by both Guilds, together with attached benefits, may be seen under "Insurance" in {{CAM}}. (p76).

One such house is the [[De Worde|De Worde's]] house as mentioned in {{TT}}.

As well as inhumations and insurance, the Guild is also known to offer bodyguarding and security consultancy services - ie, the exact opposite to inhumation. But the core business activity remains what it always was - evidenced by the [[Inhumation Bell]] ringing at least once every day.

More tenuously, it could be inferred from indirect evidence offered in {{GP}} that the Guild may also offer what on the Roundworld might be described as a ''bomb-disposal service''. Dr [[John Lawn]] states that [[Tolliver Groat]]'s egregious trousers needed to be safely disposed of in a "controlled detonation". This begs the question of which agency in the City has the technical expertise to defuse, deactivate or otherwise safely dispose of explosive devices. It can't be the Alchemists, who are good at explosions but not so hot at making things go bang in a safe fashion. While it doesn't rule out Dwarfs or the Artificiers, the thought is there that in matters of exothermic alchemy, the Assassins must be among those who can boast cutting-edge technology. And who have the expertise and talent to capitalise on dealing with these things.

For those interested in taking advantage of the Guild's core business, discreet small advertisements have been take out in {{CAM}} and possibly in the [[Ankh-Morpork Times]] which advise that requests for the Guild's professional attention be put in writing and addressed to the Guild Inhumation Office, preferably enclosing a down-payment. A ''discreet and professional service'' is promised.

==Degrees==

The following degrees are awarded by the Guild and associate guilds:
*MA Master Assassins
*MPE Master of Political Expediency
*BScI Bachelor of the Science of Inhumation
*DiHI Diploma of Homicidal Insanity
*DL Doctor of Languages
*MIDD Member of the Institute of Dance & Deportment
*DiPE Diploma in Physical Education
*MASc Master of Alchemical Science
*DMAP Doctor of Medicine & Applied Pathology
*BW Bachelor of Wig-making
*DM Doctor of Music
*MS Master of Sums
*DGS Doctor of God Studies
*SSSHS Spiteful Sisters of Seven-Handed [[Sek]]
*MGAU Member of the Guild of Accountants and Usurers
*MGB Member of the Guild of Butlers
*FGC Fellow of the Guild of Chefs

==Open Commissions==

The Guild has the following open commissions, several of which have claimed the lives of aspiring assassins, others have not been taken up, or the 'client' cannot be located:

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Client !! Fee !! Commission
|-
| The [[Hogfather]] || AM$3,000,000 || Has expired (original contract called for the inhumation to occur within 3 days) The contract was placed by the [[Auditors of Reality]]. They did not paid in coin as such, using instead blank gold discs. This challenging contract was given to [[Jonathan Teatime]]. His body was never found.

|-
| Lord [[Havelock Vetinari|Vetinari]] || AM$1,000,000 || Officially unlisted. The Patrician has now been taken off the register in recognition that his death would be damaging to the interests of both the city and the Guild. In the days when he was a viable target Lord Vetinari accepted attempts on his life with good grace, understanding that it was a necessary part of the political process. However, he also held the view that ''the dog is only allowed one bite at the apple'' and the Assassins that attempted this commission were never seen again.

|-
| [[Rincewind]] the Wizard || AM$950,000 || Though he is not a violent man, Rincewind is a born survivor. Assassins attempting this contract have [[The Lady|suffered unfortunate mishaps]]; some were hit by falling tiles, struck by lightning, or waylaid and eaten by Rincewind's [[The Luggage|traveling accessory]].

|-
| The Duke of Ankh, Sir [[Samuel Vimes]] || AM$940,000 and rising || Numerous commissions were placed upon the commander of the Watch, often by nobles such as the [[Rust]] and [[Selachii]] families. [[Eustace Bassingly-Gore]], Sir [[Richard Liddleley]] and [[Jocasta Wiggs|Wiggs Sr]] have all attempted to inhume the commander, only to find too late that he plays not by any rules, but to win. He also has a cunning and inventive mind when it comes to traps. This lesson is periodically reinforced by [[Jocasta Wiggs|unpleasant but non-lethal things which seem to happen to student Assassins sent on reconnaissance missions]]. He is now officially unlisted, but Vimes has since has appealed to have this overturned.

|-
| [[Reacher Gilt]] || A very large, undisclosed sum. || This was placed by the bankers of Ankh following his actions bankrupting one of their number, and threatening the metaphorical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Those who guard said gold do not like those who get in the way of the sun.

|-
| [[Moist von Lipwig]] || AM$100,000 || Only to be fulfilled if Moist failed in the duty of care for [[Mr Fusspot]] left to him by [[Topsy Lavish|Mrs Lavish]].

|-
| [[The Duck Man]] || AM$132,000 || It is unknown who has placed this contract, and so far all assassins have been too curious about the strange nature of the target to accept.

|-
| [[The Band With Rocks In]] (Imp y Celyn, Glod, & Lias/Cliff) || Sum never disclosed || Mentioned in {{SM}}. Contract was taken out by the [[Musicians' Guild]] but no price referred to. The Assassins' Guild decided to no longer entertain the contract, and refunded the fee.

|-
| [[Nobby Nobbs]] || AM$4.31 || Believed to have been placed as a joke by some of members of the Watch. Commander Vimes has let it be know that he 'will be upset' if this commission is carried out...

|-
| [[Foul Ole Ron]] || One groat || No assassin would dream of killing someone for such a low sum. In any case Foul Ole Ron's Smell would prevent anyone getting closer than bow-shot range.

|-
| [[Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler]] || Tuppence || Price given by one Assassin (Lord Robert Selachii) to another (his apprentice) whilst pursuing Dibbler's associates, the Band With Rocks In, in {{SM}}. The response given was "It's certainly tempting..."
|}

The highest commission earned at the time of {{H}} had been AM$750,000 - which had been a special familiy rate, including overnight guests.

== A 'brief' history of the profession and Guild ==

The profession of assassination is thought to have originated in the mountainous regions of Klatch with the [[Hashishim]], led originally by [[Creosote]], Seriph of [[Al Khali]]. Their name is derived from the large quantities of hashish they consumed which inclined them to wear beads and flared trousers (those with the later were the most deadly), apparently enjoy monotonous music and dancing to the interesting patterns of light on their knife blades. While inclined to giggle and in extreme cases fall over, they were renowned as deadly, mad killers and feared throughout Hubward Klatch. It may be their source of hasheesh dried up, as these assassins disappeared into history and eventually emerged in the more familiar form.

The school was founded by Sir Gyles and Lady [[de Murforte]] in 1511. Sir Gyles became inspired while crusading in Klatch after (socially) meeting members of the brotherhood of assassins operating there and influencing the rather ''complex'' internal politics of the contemporary Komplezianne Empire. In preparation for the completion of construction of the current Guild building, Klatchian tutors were brought in to provide relevant tuition for Ankh-Morpork's 'brighter academics and psychopaths' to prepare the faculty.

[[Cirone II|King Cirone II]] officially opened the school (then named the de Murforte School for Gentlemen Assassins) on the August 27th 1512. At that time 8 tutors were employed and the Head Master was a Doctor Guillaume de Chacal from the Academie Quirmienne, known as a strict disciplinarian and moral leader, though not an assassin.

The first influx of 72 students (known as King's Scholars in recognition of the king's financial support and bestowal of a Royal Charter upon the school) included [[Cirone III|Prince Cirone]]. Within a few years it became known as the Royal de Murforte School for Gentlemen Assassins and gained a reputation for a high standard of education. Pressure from wealthy inhabitants of Ankh-Morpork led to the admittance of 24 'Oppidans' - children of citizens. Nowadays the number of Oppidans accepted has increased to 180 and the Guild also accepts scholarship students (whose number decreases over the course of the term). Initially students were housed in dormitories within the guild or nearby houses, leading to the current houses C1 and B2 based on the architect's plans and Mrs Beddowe's House. As numbers increased more students were boarded off-site in the houses of 'dames'.

In 1572 the school was granted Guild status, becoming the Royal Guild of Assassins and gaining voting rights in the Guild Council. Following [[1688]] it became known simply as the Guild of Assassins due to recent events.

In 1767, the freehold of the Guild premises passed into the hands of Sir John 'Mad Jack' [[Ramkin]] following a card game with the head of the Guild. It has remained the property of the Ramkin family until recently when in [[1986 UC]] it was included in the properties deeded to [[Sam Vimes|Commander Vimes]] upon his marriage to [[Lady Sybil Ramkin]].

As the Century of the Anchovy commences, female students have started being admitted to the guild. Girls have previously studied at the Guild, however had to rely on a short haircut and forged note from their parents excusing them from doing sports (see Mme les [[Deux-Epées]]). This has led to the formation of the Black Widow house. Another recent development is the admittance of a Troll, Jasper 'James' [[Chrysoprase]].

==Annotation==

There is a continuity error here, or perhaps information is yet to be released, concerning the all-female Houses at the Assassins' Guild school.

The '''''{{AGD}}''''' and the '''''{{NDC}}''''' agree on the Houses of study, and on their housemasters/mistresses, as given above. These can be taken to be a consensus reality. However, in his notes to Kidby's artwork in '''''The Art of Discworld''''', Terry is very specific that there is also a Mantis House, newly established for female pupils, which has [[Alice Band]] as its resident Housemistress.

Naming a house after a female insect which kills and eats its mate would make sense in this context, especially as a replacement for the rather prosaic [[Tump House]] (apparently named after a district of the city, which was rather disappointing). But "Mantis House" is named only once, whereas Tump House gets several referents. There are, as yet, few women on the Guild faculty, so possibly Miss Band's assignment as housemistress was changed when Mantis House opened, and another faculty member now oversees Tump House.

[[Category:Guilds]]
[[Category:Ankh-Morpork Businesses]]
[[de:Assassinengilde]]

Book:The Dark Side of the Sun

2017-06-06T00:09:40Z

Mute Ant: its not it's

{{Book Data
|title= The Dark Side of the Sun
|cover= [[File:TDSOTS Cover.jpg|240px]]
|date= January 26, 1976
|publisher= Colin Smythe Ltd
|isbn= 0901072206
|pages= 158
|series=
|characters= [[Dom Sabalos]]
|annotations= Yes
|notes=
}}

== Blurb ==
[[Dom Sabalos]] had a lot of advantages.
As heir to a huge fortune, he had an excellent [[Isaac|robot servant]] (with Man-Friday subcircuitry), a planet (the [[First Sirian Bank]]) as godfather, a [[Korodore|security chief]] who even ran checks on himself, and on Dom's home world even death was not always fatal.
Why, then, in an age when [[P-Math|prediction]] was a science, was his future in doubt?
"''A continual delight, with its unexpected conceits and original inventions. And if Mr Pratchett's tongue is frequently in his cheek, his parody of the science fiction idiom is always deft, knowledgeable and good humoured''" – Oxford Times.

== Cover ==
The Josh Kirby cover shows Dom Sabalos and Sharli mounted on their robot horses. Behind them walks Sharli's Drosk bodyguard, and further back is Sharli's brother, Tarli, also mounted on a robot horse.

== Main Characters==
*[[Sabalos Family]]
**[[Dom Sabalos]] - Chairman of the Board of Directors of Widdershins.
**[[Joan Sabalos]] - Dom's grandmother.
**[[Vian Sabalos]] - Dom's mother, widow of
**[[John Sabalos]], Dom's father.
*[[Hrsh-Hgn]] - Dom's tutor; a [[Phnobe]].
*[[Isaac]] - robot with a Class 5 brain.
*[[Ways]] - the lucky assassin robot.
*[[Ig]] - Dom's "pet" [[Ig|ig]].

== Minor Characters==
*[[Charles Sub-Lunar]] - author, historian, poet, scientist, playwright, mathematician.
*[[First Sirian Bank]] - an intelligent planet.
*[[Chatogaster]] - an intelligent body of water.
*[[Korodore]] - the Sabalos security chief.
*[[Darven Samhedi]] - the Sabalos security chief after Korodore
*[[Keja]] - Dom's sister.
*[[Emperor Ptarmigan of Laoth]] - Keja's husband.
*[[Sharli]] and [[Tarli]] - Keja's step children.
*[[Asman]] - Director of the Joker Institute.
*[[Lady Vain]]
*[[Arte Sadhim]] (Mentioned)

== Other Stuff==
Use of the terms: [[Hogswatchnight|Hogswatch Night]], [[Eve of Small Gods]], [[Soul Cake Friday]], [[Year of the Questing Monkey]], [[Klatch]]. 

The [[Jokers]] admit to rebuilding the crusts of worlds, "down to the fossils", a concept explored in Pratchett's next book, [[Book:Strata|Strata]].
*[[Joker artefacts]]
**[[Joker Testament]]

==Races==
There are fifty-two known races of sentient beings in the galaxy. These include:-

*[[Creapii]] (super-human)
*[[Phnobe]]s
*[[Drosk]]s
*the [[First Sirian Bank]]
*Robots
**[[Class Five Robots]] - (may apply for Human status)
**[[Class Four Robots]] - are classed as sub-human
**[[Class Three Robots]]
**[[Class Two Robots]]
**[[Class One Robots]]
*Jovians
*[[Sun-dogs]]
*[[Tarquins]]
*[[Spooners]]
are unclassified under the Humanity Act

See [[Races in The Dark Side of the Sun]] for more details.

==Planets==
Dozens of planets are visited or mention, here is a small sampling:
*[[Widdershins]] - Dom's Homeworld
*[[Third Eye]] - Heavily forested
*[[Terra Novae]] - Metal rich and dynamically technological
*[[Eggplant]] - Ferocious vegetation
*[[Quaducquakucckuaquekekecqac]] - The drosk's homeworld
*[[Laoth]] - Complex electronics

==Annotations==

The word "klatch" above, in the context of the book (it is used to denote a coven of worshippers in the [[Arte Sadhim|Sadhim]]ist religion) is most likely to derive from its origins in German: a ''kaffeeklatsch'' was a circle of like-minded people, generally though not always politically minded, who met to talk business - some might say, to conspire clandestinely - over coffee. One of those German words, like ''schadenfreude'', ''Zeitgeist'', ''angst'', or ''weltanschauung'', that have created some ''lebensraum'' for themselves in the vocabulary of other languages, sometimes as part of the technical vocabulary of philosophy or politics. There is no clear link with TP's later usage of the word to describe a North-African/Arabian-like country on the Discworld, unless it is by subliminal association with coffee!

The Discworld concept of the "million to one chance crops up nine times out of ten" also receives an airing here, as part of a discussion about probability. Although the ''bater'', or multi-universe theory, calls it a ''[[billion-to-one chance]]''. Also, one of the most oft mentioned areas of the Discworld (outside Ankh-Morkpork) is called Klatch and is famous for its ridiculously strong coffee (which is written kaffee in German).

[[Category:The Dark Side of the Sun]]
[[Category:Books by Terry Pratchett|Dark Side of the Sun,The]]
[[de:Buch:Die dunkle Seite der Sonne]]

Book:The Dark Side of the Sun

2017-06-06T00:08:53Z

Mute Ant: areas not area's

{{Book Data
|title= The Dark Side of the Sun
|cover= [[File:TDSOTS Cover.jpg|240px]]
|date= January 26, 1976
|publisher= Colin Smythe Ltd
|isbn= 0901072206
|pages= 158
|series=
|characters= [[Dom Sabalos]]
|annotations= Yes
|notes=
}}

== Blurb ==
[[Dom Sabalos]] had a lot of advantages.
As heir to a huge fortune, he had an excellent [[Isaac|robot servant]] (with Man-Friday subcircuitry), a planet (the [[First Sirian Bank]]) as godfather, a [[Korodore|security chief]] who even ran checks on himself, and on Dom's home world even death was not always fatal.
Why, then, in an age when [[P-Math|prediction]] was a science, was his future in doubt?
"''A continual delight, with its unexpected conceits and original inventions. And if Mr Pratchett's tongue is frequently in his cheek, his parody of the science fiction idiom is always deft, knowledgeable and good humoured''" – Oxford Times.

== Cover ==
The Josh Kirby cover shows Dom Sabalos and Sharli mounted on their robot horses. Behind them walks Sharli's Drosk bodyguard, and further back is Sharli's brother, Tarli, also mounted on a robot horse.

== Main Characters==
*[[Sabalos Family]]
**[[Dom Sabalos]] - Chairman of the Board of Directors of Widdershins.
**[[Joan Sabalos]] - Dom's grandmother.
**[[Vian Sabalos]] - Dom's mother, widow of
**[[John Sabalos]], Dom's father.
*[[Hrsh-Hgn]] - Dom's tutor; a [[Phnobe]].
*[[Isaac]] - robot with a Class 5 brain.
*[[Ways]] - the lucky assassin robot.
*[[Ig]] - Dom's "pet" [[Ig|ig]].

== Minor Characters==
*[[Charles Sub-Lunar]] - author, historian, poet, scientist, playwright, mathematician.
*[[First Sirian Bank]] - an intelligent planet.
*[[Chatogaster]] - an intelligent body of water.
*[[Korodore]] - the Sabalos security chief.
*[[Darven Samhedi]] - the Sabalos security chief after Korodore
*[[Keja]] - Dom's sister.
*[[Emperor Ptarmigan of Laoth]] - Keja's husband.
*[[Sharli]] and [[Tarli]] - Keja's step children.
*[[Asman]] - Director of the Joker Institute.
*[[Lady Vain]]
*[[Arte Sadhim]] (Mentioned)

== Other Stuff==
Use of the terms: [[Hogswatchnight|Hogswatch Night]], [[Eve of Small Gods]], [[Soul Cake Friday]], [[Year of the Questing Monkey]], [[Klatch]]. 

The [[Jokers]] admit to rebuilding the crusts of worlds, "down to the fossils", a concept explored in Pratchett's next book, [[Book:Strata|Strata]].
*[[Joker artefacts]]
**[[Joker Testament]]

==Races==
There are fifty-two known races of sentient beings in the galaxy. These include:-

*[[Creapii]] (super-human)
*[[Phnobe]]s
*[[Drosk]]s
*the [[First Sirian Bank]]
*Robots
**[[Class Five Robots]] - (may apply for Human status)
**[[Class Four Robots]] - are classed as sub-human
**[[Class Three Robots]]
**[[Class Two Robots]]
**[[Class One Robots]]
*Jovians
*[[Sun-dogs]]
*[[Tarquins]]
*[[Spooners]]
are unclassified under the Humanity Act

See [[Races in The Dark Side of the Sun]] for more details.

==Planets==
Dozens of planets are visited or mention, here is a small sampling:
*[[Widdershins]] - Dom's Homeworld
*[[Third Eye]] - Heavily forested
*[[Terra Novae]] - Metal rich and dynamically technological
*[[Eggplant]] - Ferocious vegetation
*[[Quaducquakucckuaquekekecqac]] - The drosk's homeworld
*[[Laoth]] - Complex electronics

==Annotations==

The word "klatch" above, in the context of the book (it is used to denote a coven of worshippers in the [[Arte Sadhim|Sadhim]]ist religion) is most likely to derive from its origins in German: a ''kaffeeklatsch'' was a circle of like-minded people, generally though not always politically minded, who met to talk business - some might say, to conspire clandestinely - over coffee. One of those German words, like ''schadenfreude'', ''Zeitgeist'', ''angst'', or ''weltanschauung'', that have created some ''lebensraum'' for themselves in the vocabulary of other languages, sometimes as part of the technical vocabulary of philosophy or politics. There is no clear link with TP's later usage of the word to describe a North-African/Arabian-like country on the Discworld, unless it is by subliminal association with coffee!

The Discworld concept of the "million to one chance crops up nine times out of ten" also receives an airing here, as part of a discussion about probability. Although the ''bater'', or multi-universe theory, calls it a ''[[billion-to-one chance]]''. Also, one of the most oft mentioned areas of the Discworld (outside Ankh-Morkpork) is called Klatch and is famous for it's ridiculously strong coffee (which is written kaffee in German).

[[Category:The Dark Side of the Sun]]
[[Category:Books by Terry Pratchett|Dark Side of the Sun,The]]
[[de:Buch:Die dunkle Seite der Sonne]]

Book:The Dark Side of the Sun

2017-06-06T00:08:04Z

Mute Ant: Also not ALso

{{Book Data
|title= The Dark Side of the Sun
|cover= [[File:TDSOTS Cover.jpg|240px]]
|date= January 26, 1976
|publisher= Colin Smythe Ltd
|isbn= 0901072206
|pages= 158
|series=
|characters= [[Dom Sabalos]]
|annotations= Yes
|notes=
}}

== Blurb ==
[[Dom Sabalos]] had a lot of advantages.
As heir to a huge fortune, he had an excellent [[Isaac|robot servant]] (with Man-Friday subcircuitry), a planet (the [[First Sirian Bank]]) as godfather, a [[Korodore|security chief]] who even ran checks on himself, and on Dom's home world even death was not always fatal.
Why, then, in an age when [[P-Math|prediction]] was a science, was his future in doubt?
"''A continual delight, with its unexpected conceits and original inventions. And if Mr Pratchett's tongue is frequently in his cheek, his parody of the science fiction idiom is always deft, knowledgeable and good humoured''" – Oxford Times.

== Cover ==
The Josh Kirby cover shows Dom Sabalos and Sharli mounted on their robot horses. Behind them walks Sharli's Drosk bodyguard, and further back is Sharli's brother, Tarli, also mounted on a robot horse.

== Main Characters==
*[[Sabalos Family]]
**[[Dom Sabalos]] - Chairman of the Board of Directors of Widdershins.
**[[Joan Sabalos]] - Dom's grandmother.
**[[Vian Sabalos]] - Dom's mother, widow of
**[[John Sabalos]], Dom's father.
*[[Hrsh-Hgn]] - Dom's tutor; a [[Phnobe]].
*[[Isaac]] - robot with a Class 5 brain.
*[[Ways]] - the lucky assassin robot.
*[[Ig]] - Dom's "pet" [[Ig|ig]].

== Minor Characters==
*[[Charles Sub-Lunar]] - author, historian, poet, scientist, playwright, mathematician.
*[[First Sirian Bank]] - an intelligent planet.
*[[Chatogaster]] - an intelligent body of water.
*[[Korodore]] - the Sabalos security chief.
*[[Darven Samhedi]] - the Sabalos security chief after Korodore
*[[Keja]] - Dom's sister.
*[[Emperor Ptarmigan of Laoth]] - Keja's husband.
*[[Sharli]] and [[Tarli]] - Keja's step children.
*[[Asman]] - Director of the Joker Institute.
*[[Lady Vain]]
*[[Arte Sadhim]] (Mentioned)

== Other Stuff==
Use of the terms: [[Hogswatchnight|Hogswatch Night]], [[Eve of Small Gods]], [[Soul Cake Friday]], [[Year of the Questing Monkey]], [[Klatch]]. 

The [[Jokers]] admit to rebuilding the crusts of worlds, "down to the fossils", a concept explored in Pratchett's next book, [[Book:Strata|Strata]].
*[[Joker artefacts]]
**[[Joker Testament]]

==Races==
There are fifty-two known races of sentient beings in the galaxy. These include:-

*[[Creapii]] (super-human)
*[[Phnobe]]s
*[[Drosk]]s
*the [[First Sirian Bank]]
*Robots
**[[Class Five Robots]] - (may apply for Human status)
**[[Class Four Robots]] - are classed as sub-human
**[[Class Three Robots]]
**[[Class Two Robots]]
**[[Class One Robots]]
*Jovians
*[[Sun-dogs]]
*[[Tarquins]]
*[[Spooners]]
are unclassified under the Humanity Act

See [[Races in The Dark Side of the Sun]] for more details.

==Planets==
Dozens of planets are visited or mention, here is a small sampling:
*[[Widdershins]] - Dom's Homeworld
*[[Third Eye]] - Heavily forested
*[[Terra Novae]] - Metal rich and dynamically technological
*[[Eggplant]] - Ferocious vegetation
*[[Quaducquakucckuaquekekecqac]] - The drosk's homeworld
*[[Laoth]] - Complex electronics

==Annotations==

The word "klatch" above, in the context of the book (it is used to denote a coven of worshippers in the [[Arte Sadhim|Sadhim]]ist religion) is most likely to derive from its origins in German: a ''kaffeeklatsch'' was a circle of like-minded people, generally though not always politically minded, who met to talk business - some might say, to conspire clandestinely - over coffee. One of those German words, like ''schadenfreude'', ''Zeitgeist'', ''angst'', or ''weltanschauung'', that have created some ''lebensraum'' for themselves in the vocabulary of other languages, sometimes as part of the technical vocabulary of philosophy or politics. There is no clear link with TP's later usage of the word to describe a North-African/Arabian-like country on the Discworld, unless it is by subliminal association with coffee!

The Discworld concept of the "million to one chance crops up nine times out of ten" also receives an airing here, as part of a discussion about probability. Although the ''bater'', or multi-universe theory, calls it a ''[[billion-to-one chance]]''. Also, one of the most oft mentioned area's of the Discworld (outside Ankh-Morkpork) is called Klatch and is famous for it's ridiculously strong coffee (which is written kaffee in German).

[[Category:The Dark Side of the Sun]]
[[Category:Books by Terry Pratchett|Dark Side of the Sun,The]]
[[de:Buch:Die dunkle Seite der Sonne]]

Discworld Ales

2017-06-05T22:36:19Z

Mute Ant: more-unique is not possible

One of the products that have been produced based on [[Biography|Terry Pratchett's]] [[Discworld]] books has been a range of beers. According to the ales they were brewed in the [[Unseen University|Unseen Universities]] Boathouse Brewery, [[Gytha Ogg|Nanny Ogg's]] still or [[Jimkin Bearhugger's Whiskey|Jimkin Bearhugger's Brewery]]. Though on [[Roundworld]] they are really brewed by Ales by Mail in microbreweries in Billericay and Brentwood in the UK.

==Original Series==
*Bedlows Silence
*[[Modo]]'s Midden
*[[Bugarup]] Blonde
*[[John Hicks|Hix's]] Darkside

==Heritage Collection==
*Black [[Hogswatch]]
*Founders Ale
*[[Mustrum Ridcully|Ridcully's]] Revenge
*Nanny Ogg’s [[Scumble]] Cider
*Invalids Restorative
*Taking the Dark

==Gift Packs==
*4 Bottle Gift Pack
:Containing: Bedlows Silence, Modo's Midden, Bugarup Blonde and Hix's Darkside.

*Heritage Collection 4 Bottle Gift Pack
:Containing: Black Hogswatch, Founders Ale, Ridcully's Revenge and Invalids Restorative (Original).
:Containing: Black Hogswatch, Ridcully's Revenge, Nanny Ogg's Scumble Cider, Taking the Dark (Current).

*Taking the Dark
:Single bottle gift pack.

==Discontinued Lines==
*[[Djelibeybi|Old Kingdom]]
*[[Bonk]] Beer
*[[Iron Girder|Old Blonk Steam Beer]]
*Honey Ale

==External Links==
[http://www.discworldales.co.uk/ Discworld Ales Website]

[https://www.facebook.com/DiscworldAles/ Facebook Page]

[http://www.alesbymail.co.uk/browse-by-brewery/discworld-ales Discworld Ales on Ales By Mail]

[[Category:Peripherals|Discworld Ales]]
[[Category:Food and drink|Discworld Ales]]

Dagon Street

2017-06-05T18:53:06Z

Mute Ant:

'''Dagon Street''' is mostly famous for the [[Three Jolly Luck]] takeaway fish bar. The small street connects [[Welcome Soap]] and [[Rime Street]] on the [[Morpork]] side, near the [[Ankh (river)|River Ankh]]. The fish bar was built on the site of an old temple.

==Annotations==
There is a [[Roundworld]] fish god called Dagon, who is half man, half fish. You can find more about him on {{wp|Dagon|Wikipedia}} and in the [http://www.lspace.org/books/apf/men-at-arms.html#p197149 APF].

Dagon is not the sort of god that fishermen pray and make offerings to in the hopes of getting a good catch. He is the sort of Fish God that '''''fish''''' pray and make offerings to, in the hope of not being caught...

Looked at in this context, opening up a fish and chip shop on Dagon Street could be viewed as something of a provocation, by the Supernatural Entity the street is named after....

Stating the obvious, opening the said fish and chip shop '''''on the former site of the temple of the fish protector''''' can be said as adding insult to injury.

[[Category:Streets of Ankh-Morpork]]
[[de:Drachenstraße]]

Omnia

2017-06-05T17:13:24Z

Mute Ant: Iams not Iams's

{{Nation Data
|title= Omnia
|picture=
|establised=
|motto=
|neighbours= [[Ephebe]], [[Istanzia]], [[Betrek]], [[Ushistan]]
|features= Vast desert.
|population= several million
|size=
|government= Used to be a theocracy, changed after the 8th Prophet
|capital= [[Kom]]
|notablecitizens= [[Vorbis]], [[Brutha]], [[Visit-the-Infidel-with-Explanatory-Pamphlets]], [[Mightily Oats]]
|imports=
|exports= religion, missionaries
|anthem=
|books= {{SG}}
}}
A powerful and oppressive theocracy until maybe a hundred years before the present. Omnians used to worship only the Great God [[Om]]. Omnia used to conquer neighbors in His name, all over the continent of [[Klatch (continent)|Klatch]]. The Omnian [[Quisition]], a state secret police run by deacons, used to torture and execute Omnian citizens in His name. Peddlers used to sell dubious religious artifacts in His name. Everything and anything done in the light or in the dark were done in His name, but He wasn't paying attention to what his worshippers were doing. This theocracy was run by the [[Cenobiarch]] (the Superior Iam) with 6 Arch Priests, 30 lesser Iams and a numerous other clergy to assist him.

When it was about time for the Eighth Prophet of Omnianism, many members of the Omnian government and military had in fact joined a secret anti-Omnianism movement. The proceedings and outcome of this movement are detailed in {{SG}}.

Nowadays, Omnia is quite amiable, its deacons arguing among themselves over each phrase of the holy text instead of torturing citizens or planning to conquer neighbors. The Eighth Prophet of Omnianism, [[Brutha]], had brought all that he could memorize of the books in the [[Library of Ephebe‎]] back to Omnia, set them down in writing again, and opened the new Omnian library to all citizens and philosphers, including foreigners. Now, it sometimes seems that half of the Ephebian [[Philosophers]] are living in the Omnian library.

Omnia now exports many evangelical preachers, some of them are priests, but many of them are ordinary citizens. People of other countries still do not like Omnians in general. People who have not kept up with the news think that Omnians still set fire to non-Omnians (see {{CJ}}). People who have kept up with the news are fed up with getting a pamphlet every day from their Omnian-immigrant neighbour (see the article on an exemplary emigrant, [[Visit-the-Infidel-with-Explanatory-Pamphlets]], who currently lives in [[Ankh-Morpork]]).

The currency of Omnia is known as the Obol.

[[Category:Discworld geography]]
[[de:Omnien]]

Great Maze of Sto Lat

2017-06-05T17:02:42Z

Mute Ant:

The family occupying [[Sto Lat]] castle wanted a maze. This is a perfectly respectable ambition for a noble family and comparatively harmless, when you think of some of the things they could be blowing their income on. But they made the fundamental error of commissioning [[Bergholt Stuttley Johnson]] to design and build it. As Mrs [[Georgina Bradshaw]] pointed out in her work, this was a disaster waiting to happen.

The Great Maze is currently closed to the public and expeditions are being sent in to rescue starving visitors who cannot find the exit. The spectacle of food parcels being thrown over the outer hedge to sustain the starving within was thought to be bad publicity.

It has also been reported that a family of lost Dwarfs resorted to tunnelling their way out, all other avenues of escape having been tried and failed.

Part of the problem, as Mrs Bradshaw reported, is that the original plan, as preserved in the castle museum, had originally been used to sketch out a plan for a cruet set. Further confusion was added by many coffee-cup rings and part of a note written on it from Mrs Johnson to her chambermaid, all of which were faithfully incorporated into the Maze design.

[[Category: Locations]]

Bergholt Stuttley Johnson

2017-06-05T16:56:30Z

Mute Ant: an-historical ano a-historical

{{Character Data
|title= "Bloody Stupid" Johnson
|photo=
|name= Bergholt Stuttley Johnson
|age=
|race= [[:Category:Human characters|Human]]
|occupation= Inventor
|appearance=
|residence= [[Ankh-Morpork]]
|death= unknown, probably 1960s UC
|parents=
|relatives=
|children=
|marital status=
|books=
|cameos= mentioned in many of the books, such as: {{MAA}}, {{IT}}, {{M!!!}}, {{H}}, {{CJ}}, {{GP}}, {{T!}}, {{UA}}, [Book:Mrs Bradshaw's Handbook|Mrs Bradshaw's Handbook]]
}}
Real name '''Bergholt Stuttley Johnson'''. He probably didn't ask for his nickname, but it was so fitting that people of all classes and from all walks of life – [[wizard's magic|wizards]], [[Sto Plains|nobles]], [[Ankh-Morpork|ordinary city people]] – all through history called, and still call him, '''"Bloody Stupid" Johnson'''.

Johnson is an historical figure, which is a blessing because the damage would be considerable if he were still active. (There is evidence that he was alive during or just before the time of ''Light Fantastic'', given that he was commissioned by [[Galder Weatherwax|Archchancellor Weatherwax]]). Supposedly, Johnson claimed that a truly good inventor ought to be able to invent ''anything''. That, using a modern interpretation, may suggest that a truly infinite multiverse ought to contain all kinds of good things, bad things, and plain weird things. A more fair and analytical statement posited that Johnson's inventions might very well be ingenious, but would never turn out to do what they were supposed to do. If something he designed worked well, it was purely by accident. Somebody requiring a surface-to-air missile probably should ask Johnson to design a small fountain.

In addition to inventing machines of all sorts, Johnson also did architectural designs. Some of the things went ''wrong'' because of drawing the plan the wrong way around, being careless with unit measures (feet vs. inches) and numbers (1,000 vs. 0.001), and so on, but other strange effects must have taken considerable skills. The only thing(s) he developed that worked well, in the way that they were supposed to, without ever breaking down, were the organs (musical instruments), three of which are still in existence and in good working condition. Each of these great organs is a huge contraption with an amazing, possibly frightening, range of sound effects.

He became so notorious, that it became fashionable for rich people to have been "Johnsoned" (see ''[[Book:The Discworld Companion|The Discworld Companion]]''). [[Sybil Ramkin]] proudly states that her family's property escaped this fate, as her grandfather saw Johnson walking up the drive one day with a hopeful salesman's smile on his face; Grand-père Ramkin promptly shot him in the leg as a warning.

The date of his death is not available. He worked for Lord [[Snapcase]] but not after his term, so it was in the range of thirty years ago. His invention of the Sorting Engine at the Post Office is within living memory of [[Tolliver Groat]]. [[Sybil Ramkin]]'s grandfather shot him in the leg. This could have taken place far earlier while her grandparent was still young and vigorous enough to draw a bow, or it could have been when he was old but still keen-eyed enough to use a crossbow. Conflictingly, the {{AMPOH}} has a reference to his having done a memorably ''different'' job for the [[Post Office]] in the Common Year of 1815, over a century before the "present". This could be due to his having been very long lived; or else B.S. Johnson is a family name handed down, from father to son, in a dynasty of similarly inclined people; or it could be [[History Monks]] - again.

However, lost and forgotten examples of his prolific design come to the light of day all the time. As the railways expand and find new destinations, [[Book:Mrs Bradshaw's Handbook|Mrs Bradshaw's Handbook]] lists several Johnson designs which have found new purpose - completely unintended by their builder - around the Sto plains. These will be added to the lists below as they emerge.

All in all, his works include:

==Architecture large enough to be kept in a small cardboard box in a skinny old man's pocket==
*'''Colossus of Morpork.'''
*'''Commemorative arch for Battle of Crumhorn.'''
*'''Hanging Gardens of Ankh.'''

(The skinny old man in question is one Mr [[Scant]], Official Keeper of the Monuments, usually found asleep on a stool [presumably when he's not fallen off the stool] at a road junction somewhere near the [[Beggars' Guild]] most weekdays)

==Other notable building works==
*'''[[Quirm]] Memorial.'''
*'''Collapsed Tower of Quirm''', for which Johnson specified quicksand as a building material because they wanted it up fast.
*'''Ornamental cruet set''' for Lord Snapcase, Ankh-Morpork. The salt and pepper shakers are large enough to house four families and store grain. Another ornamental cruet set found its way, by accident, into the design of the [[Sto Lat]] maze.
*'''[[Empirical Crescent]]''', Ankh-Morpork. It looks like a normal set of houses, but the dimensions inside it are twisted, as well as of the gardens. Everybody throws out their junk, because it probably doesn't land in their own gardens. Someone might live at number 1, but his bedroom could be at number 3 and his kitchen in number 5. The painter [[Methodia Rascal]] lived in this street, which probably didn't do any good to his already unstable mental constitution.
*The '''[[Great Maze of Sto Lat]] - designed by Johnson and made more problematical when the blueprint got, er, interfered with.

==Devices==
*'''[[Johnson's Desktop Organiser]]'''; now used as a rather large and over-elaborate Tote board at the [[Shankydoodle]] race course.
*'''Great organ''', [[Don'tgonearthe Castle]], [[Überwald]]. Includes sound effects of thunder, young ladies screaming, wolf howls, floor creaks, and more. Operates on water power of an underground river.
*'''Organ''', the [[Opera House]], [[Ankh-Morpork]].
*'''Great organ''', the [[Unseen University]], Ankh-Morpork. Has three keyboards and a hundred knobs. Includes farmyard noises and the 128' Earthquake-pipe. Requires 8 students or one extremely enthusiastic Librarian to pump up the air reservoir.
*'''"Archchancellor Weatherwax's Bathroom"''', or, ''Patent 'Typhoon' Superior Indoor Ablutorium with Automatic Soap Dish'', Unseen University, Ankh-Morpork. Pipes are connected to the Unseen Great Organ (see above). [[Archchancellor]] [[Galder Weatherwax]] commissioned it, used it and boarded it up. Archchancellor [[Mustrum Ridcully]] re-opened it, tried it, loved it, met with an accident (fortunately not fatal) and boarded it up. One of the taps is named "Old Faithful", the name of a famous geyser in {{wp|Yellowstone Park|Yellowstone Park}}.

There are links here with Daedalus the inventor, who created Minos's bathroom. So far no one has been killed in Weatherwax's Bathroom (as far as we know).

*'''Mail-sorting engine''', the [[Post Office]], Ankh-Morpork. Originally designed as yet another organ (musical instrument). Acquired by Postmaster General Cowerby. In the centre of this machine is one wheel that Johnson, for the sake of tidiness, had designed to have a pi (circumference to diameter ratio) of exactly 3, not 3.14-mumble-mumble-and-a-bit. In order for pi to be exactly 3, the universe has been changed. The machine therefore taps through many layers of the space-time continuum. Mail came out of the sorting machine that wasn't put into it by the human hands of the postal workers. Mail from next week, mail from 50 years in the future, mail that could have been, mail from alternative universes, mail that people swore they posted but really hadn't, ''mountains'' of such mail. Finally, Chief Postal Inspector [[Rumbelow]] beat up the machine so that it stopped whirring. No longer sorting any mail, the machine still sports an annoying blue glow, and is capable of Considerably Dis-Organizing objects placed above its centre. This makes one of the rooms in the cellars, originally the mail-sorting room, a dangerous place to be. A banshee assassin exploded when he touched the core of the device.
*'''The Custard-Pie Machine''', designed for the Guild of Fools in order to put visitors in the appropriately mirthful frame of mind. Alas, Johnson under-estimated the effects of even quite thin runny custard when propelled at 300mph, and the device is now relegated to the museum of the Guild.
*'''The Great Daisy''': formerly the water-cannon, built in the shape of a giant daisy, that was to have been used to welcome visitors to the [[Fools' Guild]]. It is no longer in use and has been relegated to the Guild Museum following the unfortunate drowning incident.
*'''The Improved Manicure Device''': cited by Ridcully in {{H}} as to how not all of Bloody Stupid Johnson's inventions don't work: what about that thing in the kitchen, that they use for peeling potatoes? To which the [[Dean]] responds, "Ah, you mean the thing with the brass plate saying ''Improved Manicure Device'', Archchancellor?" Still, at least this blunder of Johnson's has been put to some good use. Explanation: industrial potato peelers, as used in large kitchens and high-volume catering outlets, take the form of a revolving steel drum inside a waterproof housing. The inside of the drum is serrated, like a large and evil cheesegrater, and is filled with up to a hundred large potatoes at a time. When the lid is closed and the drum set to rotate at high speed, the potatoes rumble around inside, their outer skins being shaved away by the serrations; water is passed through to flush the detritus out, and eventually a hundred slightly smaller and impeccably peeled spuds (or carrots, or parsnips, or turnips) are allowed to cascade out. While it ''could'' trim your fingernails, it is best not to attempt this as it might be regarded as overkill. In all probability you'd never need a manicure again.
*'''Clockwork spoon''': In {{UA}}, [[Nutt]] comments as to how the clockwork spoon, designed by Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, would probably be one of the four contenders for his favorite spoon. (He was being interviewed by [[Bu-Bubble]] at the time). As the name indicates, it was a spoon, powered by clockwork. not much else. Apparently, though, it worked so well that if you put it into a cup of tea, the cup would fly helicopter-like to the ceiling. Nutt would have loved to be a fly on the wall to observe it in operation- although, not too close, obviously...
* The '''Pneumatic Transit Tube''' now used, in a ''safe'' form, by department stores such as [[Crumley's]] to enable counter-clerks to send cash received to a central accounting office and to receive till floats and change. By inference, Johnson invented this, in his own inimitable way. An early and evidently prototype version was installed in 1815 (according to the {{AMPOH}}) to ostensibly make life easier for counter-clerks at the Post Office. However. Johnson's version propelled heavy metal tubes full of money at such a velocity that they could have been employed as artillery. Several holes exist in the walls which have been patched up but are still visible over a century on from 1815, the stated date of installation, and shell-strikes may still be seen on buildings opposite. The then Patrician, after representations from the then [[Iodine Maccalariat|Maccalariats]] of the day, promptly outlawed the device until it could be made safe.

==Landscaping==
*'''Artificial hillock''', right in front of [[Quirm Manor]]. Made of 2,000 tons of earth, because "it would drive me nuts to have to look at a bunch of trees and a lake all day, how about you?".
*'''The Gardens''', [[Patrician's Palace]], [[Ankh-Morpork]], with the following features:
**'''Beehive'''. So large that it could accommodate bees 10 feet long. Currently serving as dovecot. There is a suggestion that it has in the past been used to accommodate [[Pointless albatross|homing albatrosses]], the messenger birds between [[Ankh-Morpork]] and the [[Agatean Empire]].
**'''Chiming sundial'''. Usually explodes around noon. May also fall over.
**'''Crazy paving'''. Has committed suicide.
**'''Fountain'''. Currently defunct. Groaned ominously, then fired a small stone cherub 1,000 feet into the air 5 minutes after it was first switched on.
**'''Garden furniture'''. Made of cast iron. Known to have melted on three occasions.
**'''The Hoho'''. A cunningly designed ditch like a [[wikipedia:Ha-Ha|Haha]], only the Hoho is 50 feet deep. Has claimed three Palace gardeners. Also once trapped [[Cruces|Dr. Cruces]], then head of the [[Assassins' Guild]].
**'''Maze'''. Too small. People get lost ''looking for it''.
**'''Ornamental trout lake'''. 150 yards long, 1 inch wide. Home to one trout, living comfortably provided that it doesn't try to turn around. In fact, the turning around bit involves [[Re-Director|having a man to do this job on behalf of the fish]].

==Cookery==
*'''Wedding cake''', the top tier of which was until recently used as a bandstand in the [[Apothecary Gardens]].
*'''[[Bloody Stupid Johnson's Individual Fruit Pie|The Great Fruit Pie]]'''.

==Roundworld Comparisons==

In the spoof rockumentary movie ''This is Spinal Tap'', mention must be made of the B.S. Johnson moment when the band's manager totally fails to communicate with the stage-prop designer. In a truly Discworld moment, the conventional symbols for inches (") and feet (') are confused, and a Stonehenge-sized trilithon meant to be 18' x 12' - isn't. It is, however, 18" x 12". This adds a new poignancy to the lyric ''See the little people dance'', as the expensively-hired dwarf dancers proceed to hide the mighty trilithon with their bodies, and eventually kick it a little way across the stage.

Similarly, American and European agencies completely failed to liaise concerning a joint Mars rocket project. Little things like a standard system of measurement passed them by and while Europe used metric units, the USA thought in terms of feet and inches. Even a few millionths of an inch, or indeed a centimetre, of error when mating critical components was adequate to jointly engineer a very big, very expensive, firework. B.S. Johnson is alive and well and working for NASA. Or the ESA. Or both.

The government of the Republic of Ireland recently announced, proudly, that it had completed the changeover from the ambivalently-named Imperial system (a leftover of having been, largely unwillingly, part of the British Imperial system) to the European-standard Metric system of weights and measures. As one of Ireland's principal exports to the rest of the world is building contractors and labourers, it was immediately pointed out that most builders will still ask for - and be able to buy - a hundred metres of four-by-two, or a gross of 7mm diameter screws, or a box of 3/4 inch nails with 5mm heads. Clearly Irish metrification, with its gloriously Discworld gloss, needs more work.

In 1998, it was reported that the US State of Alabama had passed legislation redefining the value of Pi from 3.14159 to 3, in order to bring it in line with Biblical precepts. This has been proven to be an April Fools gag.[http://www.snopes.com/religion/pi.asp]

Of his inventions:
*Colossus of Morpork = {{wp|Colossus_of_Rhodes|Colossus of Rhodes}} (a Wonder of the Ancient World)
*Hanging Gardens of Ankh = {{wp|Hanging_Gardens_of_Babylon|Hanging Gardens of Babylon}} (another Ancient Wonder) [technically in Semiramis, but hey...]
*Collapsed Tower of Quirm = {{wp|Leaning_Tower_of_Pisa|Leaning Tower of Pisa}}
*Organs: Extra sound effects mirror the strange, unrealistic sounds found on some electric keyboards. Only a few of Roundworld organs have a true 64' register from which the lowest notes produces sound at less than 20 Hz and therefore inaudible to the human ear. An 128' pipe would sound at approx. 8.2 Hz. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FXoyr_FyFw|The Sydney Town Hall organ with it's 64' Contra-Trombone in action]

Origin of name:
Three great gardeners are mentioned when Bloody Stupid Johnson was introduced in {{MAA}} as the landscaper responsible for the disastrous Patrician's Garden: Capability Brown, Sagacity Smith, and Intuition De Vere Slade-Gore. Of these,
{{wp|Capability_Brown|Capability Brown}} was a renowned landscaper. (As I'm sure Pterry remembered, the "Capability" part of Brown's name didn't refer to his own -- immense -- capability, but to his habit of applying the word to a garden when referring to what today we might instead call its "potential" for improvement.)

[[Category:Discworld characters|Johnson, Bergholt Stuttley]]
[[Category:Human characters|Johnson, Bergholt Stuttley]]
[[de:Bergholt Stuttley Johnson]]

Cattle Market

2017-06-05T16:34:52Z

Mute Ant: () or {} not (}

The Cattle Market is an area of [[Morpork]] below [[The Shades]] bounded by [[Humble Street]], [[Chittling Street]] and The [[Shambles]]. Not surprisingly it hosts a daily livestock market. It is served by a drovers' [[Pubs|pub]] called the Butcher's Eagle, where [[Moist von Lipwig]] stashed one of his many boxes (and alternative identities) for safety.

[[Wee Mad Arthur]] discourages (as only he can) the use of rat poison in the area, since it is a valuable source of his produce.

[[Category:Streets of Ankh-Morpork]]
[[de:Viehmarkt]]

Crop circles

2017-06-05T16:06:48Z

Mute Ant: interest-in not interest-into

These are a surefire warning of the presence of [[Elves|elves]].

A rash of them happened one summer in Lancre. In the Royal bean crop and flowerbeds, in [[Pewsey Ogg]]'s watercress, that he was proudly showing off to his Nanny at the time, and in [[Granny Weatherwax]]'s herb beds.

By magical resonance, [[Unseen University]] was also affected: [[Mustrum Ridcully]] got a particularly visible one on his scalp, leading to much hilarity among [[Faculty]] members, Ridcully's indignant harrumphing that he was NOT going bald, and his consequent professional interest in spells, nostrums and devices aimed at restoring the growth.

[[Category:Things]]

Extreme Sneezing

2017-06-05T15:39:33Z

Mute Ant: confronted-by or encounter-with

A leisure pastime, mentioned in {{MM}}, which is wrapped in mystery and enigma. What it actually '''''is''''' remains undescribed, but we have [[Vetinari]]'s word for it that this is a dangerous and potentially lethal leisure activity. At some point in the book, Moist is confronted by a lock he ''could have opened with a sneeze''. Hmmm...

This pastime was taken up by [[Moist von Lipwig]] when the [[Post Office]] started to get boring and routine and presented fewer and fewer challenges, apart from getting through a staff pensions' committee meeting without falling asleep. Moist has also started [[Edificeering|edificeering]], a sure sign to the Patrician that he will be receptive to another life-threatening challenge causing him to hone and refine his skills. Especially since edificeering, to a con-man, involves the additional challenge of out-thinking burly vigilantes with a direct and forthright attitude to dealing with what they presume to be an unlicensed thief.

[[Vetinari]] noted that Moist's need to participate in dangerous sports, where one wrong move could see him horribly maimed or even dead, seemed to go away whenever [[Adora Belle Dearheart]] was in town. He implied there was a correlation between these two observations.

==Annotation==
On Roundworld, particularly in Great Britain, there may be two referents which shed more light on this enigmatic practice. There is the Oxford University Dangerous Sports Club, which in the past has sponsored things such as (a) putting a grand piano on skis and sending it, as well as the attached pianist, down an Alpine ski-slope; and (b) firing people out of reproduction mediæval catapults, albeit in the rough and hopeful direction of a safety-net.

Secondly, only the British could come up with a sporting craze called Extreme Ironing. This involves lugging an ironing board, plus iron, plus token clothing item to be ironed, to an unlikely, remote, and ideally dangerous place, such as a wide ledge 1500 feet up the side of an otherwise inaccessible Scottish mountain or the very top of a construction crane. An associate then takes a photo of the clothing item being "ironed", as proof that the challenge has been completed..

[[Category:Discworld Games]]
[[Category:Discworld concepts]]

L-space

2017-06-05T15:32:27Z

Mute Ant: Corrected the expression for 'power'.

'''L-space''', short for '''library-space''', is the ultimate portrayal of Pratchett's concept that the written word has powerful magical properties on [[Discworld (world)|the Discworld]], and that in large quantities all books warp space and time around them. The principle of L-space revolves around a seemingly logical equation; it is an extension of the 'Knowledge is Power':

<div style="font: bold 260%/1.25em serif; text-transform: uppercase"> Books = Knowledge = Power = (Force x Distance ÷ Time).</div>

Large quantities of magical and mundane books create portals into L-space that can be accessed using innate powers of librarianship that are taught by the Librarians of Time and Space to those deemed worthy across the multiverse. Because libraries with enough books to open a portal are often large and sprawling, those venturing into L-space may not necessarily know that they have arrived. The floor and ceiling of L-space follow the floor and ceiling of the library used to access it; the best example of this is that the central dome of [[Unseen University]]'s [[library]] is "always overhead" ({{G!G!}} - all quotes in this article come from this book). In every direction and as far as the eye can see bookshelves stretch off, meaning the nature of any walls are unknown.

Alternatively, it can be said that L-space manifests in our world in those obscure, hidden bookstores that, logic and the laws of physics insist, cannot possibly be as large on the outside as they appear on the inside. Somehow, after scraping one's shoulders against the improbably small door, one finds one's self turning one unseen corner after another, seemingly going on forever into further and more obscure sections as yet unobserved by human eyes. The town of [[wikipedia:Hay-on-Wye|Hay-on-Wye]], known for having more bookshops per square mile than anywhere else in the world, contains many examples of this, and may be a substantial access point to L-space. Essentially, all bookstores are potentially infinite in extent; gateways into literary hyperspace: "[a] good bookshop is just a genteel blackhole that knows how to read."

Because L-space links every library, it is possible to reach any one of these throughout space, time and the multiverse. This means that there are potentially other forms of data storage other than books as it represents every library anywhere. Additionally, one can read any book ever written, any book that will be written at some point and books that were planned for writing that were not, as well as any book that could possibly be written. The first [[Reader in Invisible Writings]] was [[Ponder Stibbons]] whose job it was to get [[Hex]] to trawl virtually through L-space (which involved a hauge amount of simultaneous spell-casting, beyond the ability of any human wizard) looking for fragments of these possible books.

In order to actually travel through time personally, to see libraries under different skies, one needs the secrets. As this is a form of interdimensional and time travel, there are strict limits on its use, and the Librarians of Time and Space - that is, those who have access to L-space - have developed three simple rules to ensure abuse is kept to a minimum:

#Silence
#Books must be returned by the last date stamped
#Do not interfere with the nature of causality

Senior librarians are also taught how to deal with the dangers of navigating L-space, such as the "''harmless kickstool crabs, large and heavy wandering thesauri, the [[.303 Bookworm]] and the dreaded cliches, which must be ''avoided at all costs''.''" Adventurers may find markings and scribbled notes on the shelves to help them navigate.

The [[Librarian]] moves through L-space back in time to discover when the book on the summoning of noble dragons was stolen and to confirm that it was stolen by the Elucidated Brethren. During his journey he sees himself asleep at his desk and is tempted to communicate, but realises that this would be breaking the third rule and stops himself. He does however leave the library and follow the thief through the streets, demonstrating how L-space can be used for time travel outside of the library itself. It was shown in the events of {{SOD2}}, that L-space can also be used to travel to alternate worlds, such as [[Roundworld]], as well as through time.

After [[Vorbis]] has ordered the soldiers and [[Brutha]] to burn down the [[Ephebe|Ephebian]] library, and the flames start to rise higher, there is a paragraph describing how the Librarian appears with a sack, and then describes how several scrolls appear in the Unseen University Library, which were thought to have been destroyed in the great fire.

The Librarian joins the [[Wizards]] in a [[Lancre]] adventure to stop naughty elves from ruining the wedding, and ending the lives, of the new royal family, which includes former witch Magrat Garlick. Within this we learn "the thaumic mathematics are complex, but boil down to the fact that all books, everywhere, affect all other books." From there the nature of bi-directionalism is revealed to demonstrate that any book ever to be written can be found in any book not yet written. In mathematical terms, as noted in {{SOD1}}, L-Space represents a form of [[wikipedia:phase_space|phase space]]. This made possible the study of invisible writings (also based on a similar theory to do with the infinite nature of Pi, and the ways in which, if one was to transcribe alphabetical values to the numbers of Pi, one could hypothetically find the contents of every book ever written. For more information see [[Bloody Stupid Johnson]] and the New Pie, featured in {{GP}}.

In fact, as the entry on the [[Ankh-Morpork Post Office]] tells us,

''When mountains of undelivered mail were gathered in one place, all the unread words strove to be read. The words reached out into any mind available in the vicinity, writing themselves across one's inner vision and whispering to one. The letters also created illusions of the good old days – the counters, the chandeliers, the upstairs balconies, the staff, the customers, the postmen, the bustle; the lights, the noises, everything. The Post Office came to be considered as haunted''.

This describes the twenty- or thirty-year-old accumulation of undelivered mail at the Post Office as a powerful focus for the distortion of time and space, which, with the nearby presence of the Sorting Engine, sets up a localised L-space field all of its own which is powerful enough to lure four postmasters, and almost a fifth, into a fatal illusion of the Post Office at the height of its glory. This is as it should be: these are unpublished writings, after all, and are not volumes of letters regularly published in book form? Professor [[Ladislav Pelc]], the [[Prehumous Professor of Morbid Bibliomancy]], has made a lifetime's study of this subject at [[Unseen University]], and is firmly of the opinion that the dead-letter pile at the [[Ankh-Morpork Post Office]] has over the course of thirty years reached a critical mass and established an L-field all of its very own.

[[Category:Discworld concepts]]
[[de:B-Raum]]