Jonathan Teatime - Revision history

Old Dickens: Reverted edit by Vandal (talk) to last revision by Daibhid C

2026-05-19T04:04:20Z

Reverted edit by Vandal (talk) to last revision by Daibhid C

← Older revision		Revision as of 04:04, 19 May 2026
Line 1:		Line 1:
	~~To commit suicide~~ by ~~hanging~~, ~~one would need to create a noose and suspend it from a sturdy anchor point~~. ~~The noose should be made of~~ a ~~material that can withstand~~ the ~~weight~~ of ~~the person~~, ~~such as~~ a ~~strong rope or cord. The anchor point should be high enough to allow~~ the ~~person to hang freely without touching~~ the ~~ground~~.		{{Character Data
			\|title= Mr. Teatime
			\|photo= Teatimemine.jpg\|Mr. Teatime by [[User:Darkplush\|Kit Cox]]
			\|name= Jonathan Teatime
			\|age= In his 20s or early 30s
			\|race= [[Humans\|Human]]
			\|occupation= Assassin
			\|appearance= Boyish, smiling, curly hair. One eye has a pin-hole-sized pupil, the other is glass
			\|residence= [[Assassins' Guild]]
			\|death= At the end of {{H}}, which would be around [[1988 UC]]
			\|parents= Not named; died in a tragic accident, though the accident may have been bringing Jonathan into the world.
			\|relatives=
			\|children=
			\|marital status=
			\|books= {{H}}
			\|cameos=
			}}

	~~Here~~'s a ~~step~~-by~~-step guide on how~~ to ~~do it:~~		'''Mr. Jonathan Teatime''', (pronounced "''Teh-ah-tim-eh'',") was a graduate assassin from [[Ankh-Morpork]], who was hired by the [[Auditors]] to inhume the [[Hogfather]].

	~~1. Find~~ a ~~suitable location with a sturdy anchor point. This could be a tree branch, a ceiling beam, or~~ a ~~door frame~~. ~~Make sure~~ the ~~anchor point can hold your weight and is high enough to allow you to hang freely~~.		He was taken into the Ankh-Morpork [[Assassins' Guild]] as a child because the administration took pity on him after his parents suffered a tragic accident. Lord Downey once reflected that the Guild should have looked into this.

	2. ~~Obtain~~ a ~~suitable rope or cord~~ to ~~create the noose~~. ~~A length of about 5-6 feet is recommended~~. ~~The material should~~ be ~~strong enough to withstand your weight~~ and not ~~too elastic~~, ~~as this could cause~~ the ~~noose to loosen during~~ the ~~process~~.		He is boyishly handsome, with curly hair and a ready smile, but these features are ruined by his eyes. One is glass and the other is off-white, with a tiny, pinhole-sized pupil. He is, undoubtedly, a genius, but also sociopathic to an astonishing degree. His mind has been compared at times to both a corkscrew and a shattered mirror (i.e. something brilliant, sharp, and dazzling, but also fundamentally and irrevocably broken). His main problem seems to be that he sees things differently from other people, in that he sees other people as things. This gets him into a spot of trouble early on, as his assassinations often include the brutal murders of not just the target, but also their family, their servants, and very often their pets, all of which is, while not against Guild policy, definitely against the philosophy of the Guild, which is elegance and style in everything.

	3. ~~Tie a loop at one end of~~ the ~~rope to create~~ the ~~noose~~. ~~The loop should be large enough~~ to ~~fit around your neck comfortably~~, but ~~not so large that~~ it ~~could slip off~~. ~~You can use~~ a ~~simple knot, such as an overhand knot or a bowline knot~~, to ~~create~~ the ~~loop~~.		However, when the [[Auditors]] need someone to assassinate the [[Hogfather]], Mr. Teatime is just the man for the job. When questioned, he reveals to his superior, [[Lord Downey]], that he devised methods to inhume, not only the Hogfather, but also the [[Tooth Fairy]] and the [[Soul Cake Duck]] (Discworld's version of the Easter Bunny), among others (including [[Death]]) in his spare time. In the instance of the Hogfather it was while waiting up one Hogswatch eve when most kids are listening for sleigh bells. He commissions the help of a cadre of criminals, ranging from big [[Banjo Lilywhite]] to the locksmith Mr.[[Brown]], and sets about putting his ingenious plan into action, which inevitably pits him against [[Susan Sto Helit]] and her grandfather, Death.

	4. ~~Attach the other end~~ of the ~~rope~~ to the ~~anchor point. Make sure~~ the ~~knot~~ is ~~secure and won~~'~~t come undone under stress~~. ~~A good knot~~ for ~~this purpose is~~ a ~~bowline knot or~~ a ~~clove hitch~~.		Most of the time, Mr. Teatime seems a pleasant, albeit odd, young man. He only seems to get irritated when people mispronounce his name. However, he possesses physical abilities which defy physics, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing but stopping before hitting flesh, holding a blade just touching the eye, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation. Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the non-canonical GURPS Discworld sourcebook) imply that the glass eye is in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities but also means that he had implanted Discworld-magic ''into his own eye socket''. At the end of the events of {{H}}, the glass eye in-question ended-up in the possession of young [[Gawain Gaiter]], who'd found it lying in the Gaiter's nursery-fireplace after Teatime's body had been removed and mistook it for a marble, with which he would never lose a game.

	~~5. Test~~ the ~~noose~~ by ~~hanging~~ on ~~it for a short while, ensuring it holds your weight securely~~. ~~If you~~'~~re satisfied with~~ the ~~setup, you can proceed~~.		Supporting the premise that Jonathan's parents were killed by Teatime himself is what Susan Sto Helit says about his childhood: "''You were the little boy who didn't know the difference between throwing a stone at a cat and setting a cat on fire''". She continued to say: "''You were the little boy that looked up little dolls dresses''"; he denied that remark.

	~~6. Stand on~~ a ~~chair, stool~~, ~~or other elevated surface that allows you~~ to ~~reach~~ the ~~noose~~.		The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without trace since the events in Hogfather, though they have named a "''Teatime Prize''" in his honour, which is given annually to the student who devises the most creative hypothetical inhumation.

	~~7. Place~~ the ~~noose around your neck~~, ~~making sure it's positioned correctly and the loop~~ is ~~snug but not too tight. You may want to test it again~~ by ~~applying some pressure, but be cautious not to accidentally trigger the hanging process~~.		In the Sky One adaption of Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is played by Marc Warren.

	~~8. Once you~~'~~re ready~~, ~~kick away~~ the ~~chair or step off~~ the ~~elevated surface~~ to ~~hang freely~~. ~~This will cause your body weight to tighten the noose around your neck~~, ~~cutting off your air supply~~ and ~~leading to unconsciousness~~ and ~~death~~.		==Annotation==
			The name "Teatime" is very likely a tribute to fellow fantasy writer Douglas' Adams work, [[wikipedia:The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul\|The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul]]. The central premise of the novel is that the gods were created by the human compulsion to personify forces. They never completely die, but rather become more and more powerless as fewer people believe in them, and eventually end up as a sort of divine vagrant. In Adams' novel the gods are quite easily taken advantage of by unscrupulous humans.



			[[Category:Discworld characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]
			[[Category:Leading characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]
			[[de:Jonathan Kaffeetrinken]]

Vandal at 01:07, 19 May 2026

2026-05-19T01:07:20Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:07, 19 May 2026
Line 1:		Line 1:
	~~{{Character Data~~		To commit suicide by hanging, one would need to create a noose and suspend it from a sturdy anchor point. The noose should be made of a material that can withstand the weight of the person, such as a strong rope or cord. The anchor point should be high enough to allow the person to hang freely without touching the ground.
	~~\|title= Mr. Teatime~~
	~~\|photo= Teatimemine.jpg\|Mr. Teatime~~ by ~~[[User:Darkplush\|Kit Cox]]~~
	~~\|name= Jonathan Teatime~~
	~~\|age= In his 20s or early 30s~~
	~~\|race= [[Humans\|Human]]~~
	~~\|occupation= Assassin~~
	~~\|appearance= Boyish~~, ~~smiling, curly hair~~. ~~One eye has~~ a ~~pin-hole-sized pupil,~~ the ~~other is glass~~
	~~\|residence= [[Assassins' Guild]]~~
	~~\|death= At~~ the ~~end of {{H}}~~, ~~which would~~ be ~~around [[1988 UC]]~~
	~~\|parents= Not named; died in a tragic accident, though~~ the ~~accident may have been bringing Jonathan into~~ the ~~world~~.
	~~\|relatives=~~
	~~\|children=~~
	~~\|marital status=~~
	~~\|books= {{H}}~~
	~~\|cameos=~~
	}}

	'~~''Mr. Jonathan Teatime''', (pronounced "''Teh-ah-tim-eh'',") was~~ a ~~graduate assassin from [[Ankh~~-~~Morpork]], who was hired~~ by ~~the [[Auditors]]~~ to ~~inhume the [[Hogfather]].~~		Here's a step-by-step guide on how to do it:

	~~He was taken into the Ankh-Morpork [[Assassins' Guild]] as~~ a ~~child because the administration took pity on him after his parents suffered~~ a ~~tragic accident~~. ~~Lord Downey once reflected that~~ the ~~Guild should have looked into this~~.		1. Find a suitable location with a sturdy anchor point. This could be a tree branch, a ceiling beam, or a door frame. Make sure the anchor point can hold your weight and is high enough to allow you to hang freely.

	~~He is boyishly handsome, with curly hair and~~ a ~~ready smile, but these features are ruined by his eyes~~. ~~One is glass and the other is off-white, with a tiny, pinhole~~-~~sized pupil. He~~ is~~, undoubtedly, a genius, but also sociopathic to an astonishing degree~~. ~~His mind has been compared at times~~ to ~~both a corkscrew~~ and ~~a shattered mirror (i.e. something brilliant, sharp, and dazzling, but also fundamentally and irrevocably broken). His main problem seems to be that he sees things differently from other people~~, ~~in that he sees other people~~ as ~~things. This gets him into a spot of trouble early on, as his assassinations often include~~ the ~~brutal murders of not just the target, but also their family, their servants, and very often their pets, all of which is, while not against Guild policy, definitely against the philosophy of~~ the ~~Guild, which is elegance and style in everything~~.		2. Obtain a suitable rope or cord to create the noose. A length of about 5-6 feet is recommended. The material should be strong enough to withstand your weight and not too elastic, as this could cause the noose to loosen during the process.

	~~However, when~~ the ~~[[Auditors]] need someone~~ to ~~assassinate~~ the ~~[[Hogfather]], Mr~~. ~~Teatime is just the man for the job. When questioned, he reveals~~ to ~~his superior, [[Lord Downey]]~~, that he devised methods to inhume, not only the Hogfather, but also the [[Tooth Fairy]] and the [[Soul Cake Duck]] (Discworld's version of the Easter Bunny), among others (including [[Death]]) in his spare time. In the instance of the Hogfather it ~~was while waiting up one Hogswatch eve when most kids are listening for sleigh bells~~. ~~He commissions the help of~~ a ~~cadre of criminals~~, ~~ranging from big [[Banjo Lilywhite]]~~ to the ~~locksmith Mr.[[Brown]], and sets about putting his ingenious plan into action, which inevitably pits him against [[Susan Sto Helit]] and her grandfather, Death~~.		3. Tie a loop at one end of the rope to create the noose. The loop should be large enough to fit around your neck comfortably, but not so large that it could slip off. You can use a simple knot, such as an overhand knot or a bowline knot, to create the loop.

	~~Most~~ of the ~~time, Mr. Teatime seems a pleasant, albeit odd, young man. He only seems~~ to get irritated when people mispronounce his name. However, he possesses physical abilities which defy physics, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing but stopping before hitting flesh, holding a blade just touching the ~~eye, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation~~. ~~Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the non-canonical GURPS Discworld sourcebook) imply that~~ the ~~glass eye~~ is ~~in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities but also means that he had implanted Discworld-magic ''into his own eye socket'~~'. At the end of the events of {{H}}, the glass eye in-question ended-up in the possession of young [[Gawain Gaiter]], who'd found it lying in the Gaiter's nursery-fireplace after Teatime's body had been removed and mistook it for a ~~marble, with which he would never lose~~ a ~~game~~.		4. Attach the other end of the rope to the anchor point. Make sure the knot is secure and won't come undone under stress. A good knot for this purpose is a bowline knot or a clove hitch.

	~~Supporting~~ the ~~premise that Jonathan's parents were killed~~ by ~~Teatime himself is what Susan Sto Helit says about his childhood: "''You were the little boy who didn't know the difference between throwing a stone at a cat and setting~~ a ~~cat on fire''"~~. ~~She continued to say: "'~~'~~You were~~ the ~~little boy that looked up little dolls dresses''"; he denied that remark~~.		5. Test the noose by hanging on it for a short while, ensuring it holds your weight securely. If you're satisfied with the setup, you can proceed.

	~~The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without trace since the events in Hogfather~~, ~~though they have named a "''Teatime Prize''" in his honour~~, ~~which is given annually~~ to the ~~student who devises the most creative hypothetical inhumation~~.		6. Stand on a chair, stool, or other elevated surface that allows you to reach the noose.

	In the ~~Sky One adaption of Hogfather~~, Mr. ~~Teatime is played~~ by ~~Marc Warren~~.		7. Place the noose around your neck, making sure it's positioned correctly and the loop is snug but not too tight. You may want to test it again by applying some pressure, but be cautious not to accidentally trigger the hanging process.

	~~==Annotation==~~		8. Once you're ready, kick away the chair or step off the elevated surface to hang freely. This will cause your body weight to tighten the noose around your neck, cutting off your air supply and leading to unconsciousness and death.
	~~The name "Teatime" is very likely a tribute to fellow fantasy writer Douglas~~' ~~Adams work~~, ~~[[wikipedia:The Long Dark Tea-Time of~~ the ~~Soul\|The Long Dark Tea-Time of~~ the ~~Soul]]~~. ~~The central premise of the novel is that the gods were created by~~ the ~~human compulsion to personify forces. They never completely die~~, ~~but rather become more~~ and ~~more powerless as fewer people believe in them,~~ and ~~eventually end up as a sort of divine vagrant~~. ~~In Adams' novel the gods are quite easily taken advantage of by unscrupulous humans.~~



	~~[[Category:Discworld characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]~~
	~~[[Category:Leading characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]~~
	~~[[de:Jonathan Kaffeetrinken]]~~

Daibhid C at 23:28, 17 November 2015

2015-11-17T23:28:01Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 23:28, 17 November 2015
Line 17:		Line 17:
	}}		}}

	'''Mr. Jonathan Teatime''', (pronounced "''Teh-ah-~~time~~-eh'',") was a graduate assassin from [[Ankh-Morpork]], who was hired by the [[Auditors]] to inhume the [[Hogfather]].		'''Mr. Jonathan Teatime''', (pronounced "''Teh-ah-tim-eh'',") was a graduate assassin from [[Ankh-Morpork]], who was hired by the [[Auditors]] to inhume the [[Hogfather]].

	He was taken into the Ankh-Morpork [[Assassins' Guild]] as a child because the administration took pity on him after his parents suffered a tragic accident. Lord Downey once reflected that the Guild should have looked into this.		He was taken into the Ankh-Morpork [[Assassins' Guild]] as a child because the administration took pity on him after his parents suffered a tragic accident. Lord Downey once reflected that the Guild should have looked into this.

RedReplicant at 01:48, 30 November 2014

2014-11-30T01:48:13Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:48, 30 November 2014
Line 34:		Line 34:

	==Annotation==		==Annotation==
	The name "Teatime" is very likely a tribute to fellow fantasy writer ~~Douglass~~' Adams work, [[wikipedia:The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul\|The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul]]. The central premise of the novel is that the gods were created by the human compulsion to personify forces. They never completely die, but rather become more and more powerless as fewer people believe in them, and eventually end up as a sort of divine vagrant. In Adams' novel the gods are quite easily taken advantage of by unscrupulous humans.		The name "Teatime" is very likely a tribute to fellow fantasy writer Douglas' Adams work, [[wikipedia:The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul\|The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul]]. The central premise of the novel is that the gods were created by the human compulsion to personify forces. They never completely die, but rather become more and more powerless as fewer people believe in them, and eventually end up as a sort of divine vagrant. In Adams' novel the gods are quite easily taken advantage of by unscrupulous humans.

RedReplicant at 01:47, 30 November 2014

2014-11-30T01:47:43Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:47, 30 November 2014
Line 32:		Line 32:

	In the Sky One adaption of Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is played by Marc Warren.		In the Sky One adaption of Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is played by Marc Warren.

			==Annotation==
			The name "Teatime" is very likely a tribute to fellow fantasy writer Douglass' Adams work, [[wikipedia:The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul\|The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul]]. The central premise of the novel is that the gods were created by the human compulsion to personify forces. They never completely die, but rather become more and more powerless as fewer people believe in them, and eventually end up as a sort of divine vagrant. In Adams' novel the gods are quite easily taken advantage of by unscrupulous humans.

Old Dickens at 02:46, 4 April 2014

2014-04-04T02:46:49Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:46, 4 April 2014
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	:
	[[Category:Discworld characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]		[[Category:Discworld characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]
	[[Category:Leading characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]		[[Category:Leading characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]
	[[de:Jonathan Kaffeetrinken]]		[[de:Jonathan Kaffeetrinken]]

Old Dickens: layout

2013-09-29T16:24:30Z

layout

← Older revision		Revision as of 16:24, 29 September 2013
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			:
	[[Category:Discworld characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]		[[Category:Discworld characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]
	[[Category:Leading characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]		[[Category:Leading characters\|Teatime,Jonathan]]
	[[de:Jonathan Kaffeetrinken]]		[[de:Jonathan Kaffeetrinken]]

User: 1 revision: Discworld import

2012-09-23T22:03:16Z

1 revision: Discworld import

← Older revision	Revision as of 22:03, 23 September 2012
(No difference)

Old Dickens: no such photo

2011-03-06T00:53:41Z

no such photo

New page

{{Character Data
|title= Mr. Teatime
|photo= Teatimemine.jpg|Mr. Teatime by [[User:Darkplush|Kit Cox]]
|name= Jonathan Teatime
|age= In his 20s or early 30s
|race= [[Humans|Human]]
|occupation= Assassin
|appearance= Boyish, smiling, curly hair. One eye has a pin-hole-sized pupil, the other is glass
|residence= [[Assassins' Guild]]
|death= At the end of {{H}}, which would be around [[1988 UC]]
|parents= Not named; died in a tragic accident, though the accident may have been bringing Jonathan into the world.
|relatives=
|children=
|marital status=
|books= {{H}}
|cameos=
}}

'''Mr. Jonathan Teatime''', (pronounced "''Teh-ah-time-eh'',") was a graduate assassin from [[Ankh-Morpork]], who was hired by the [[Auditors]] to inhume the [[Hogfather]].

He was taken into the Ankh-Morpork [[Assassins' Guild]] as a child because the administration took pity on him after his parents suffered a tragic accident. Lord Downey once reflected that the Guild should have looked into this.

He is boyishly handsome, with curly hair and a ready smile, but these features are ruined by his eyes. One is glass and the other is off-white, with a tiny, pinhole-sized pupil. He is, undoubtedly, a genius, but also sociopathic to an astonishing degree. His mind has been compared at times to both a corkscrew and a shattered mirror (i.e. something brilliant, sharp, and dazzling, but also fundamentally and irrevocably broken). His main problem seems to be that he sees things differently from other people, in that he sees other people as things. This gets him into a spot of trouble early on, as his assassinations often include the brutal murders of not just the target, but also their family, their servants, and very often their pets, all of which is, while not against Guild policy, definitely against the philosophy of the Guild, which is elegance and style in everything.

However, when the [[Auditors]] need someone to assassinate the [[Hogfather]], Mr. Teatime is just the man for the job. When questioned, he reveals to his superior, [[Lord Downey]], that he devised methods to inhume, not only the Hogfather, but also the [[Tooth Fairy]] and the [[Soul Cake Duck]] (Discworld's version of the Easter Bunny), among others (including [[Death]]) in his spare time. In the instance of the Hogfather it was while waiting up one Hogswatch eve when most kids are listening for sleigh bells. He commissions the help of a cadre of criminals, ranging from big [[Banjo Lilywhite]] to the locksmith Mr.[[Brown]], and sets about putting his ingenious plan into action, which inevitably pits him against [[Susan Sto Helit]] and her grandfather, Death.

Most of the time, Mr. Teatime seems a pleasant, albeit odd, young man. He only seems to get irritated when people mispronounce his name. However, he possesses physical abilities which defy physics, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing but stopping before hitting flesh, holding a blade just touching the eye, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation. Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the non-canonical GURPS Discworld sourcebook) imply that the glass eye is in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities but also means that he had implanted Discworld-magic ''into his own eye socket''. At the end of the events of {{H}}, the glass eye in-question ended-up in the possession of young [[Gawain Gaiter]], who'd found it lying in the Gaiter's nursery-fireplace after Teatime's body had been removed and mistook it for a marble, with which he would never lose a game.

Supporting the premise that Jonathan's parents were killed by Teatime himself is what Susan Sto Helit says about his childhood: "''You were the little boy who didn't know the difference between throwing a stone at a cat and setting a cat on fire''". She continued to say: "''You were the little boy that looked up little dolls dresses''"; he denied that remark.

The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without trace since the events in Hogfather, though they have named a "''Teatime Prize''" in his honour, which is given annually to the student who devises the most creative hypothetical inhumation.

In the Sky One adaption of Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is played by Marc Warren.

[[Category:Discworld characters|Teatime,Jonathan]]
[[Category:Leading characters|Teatime,Jonathan]]
[[de:Jonathan Kaffeetrinken]]