One Big River

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One Big River
Name One Big River
Race Human
Occupation Guard
Physical appearance
Residence Hunghung
Marital Status
Books Interesting Times

One Big River was a guard in the army of the Agatean Empire, serving in Hunghung. He was a night watchman, and possessed that special kind of mind required to stand guard over some empty rooms during the middle of the night. He had been named One Big River because he was the same size and moved with the same speed as the Hung river. One Big River was expected to become a tsimo wrestler, but failed the intelligence test- he didn't eat the table. So then he became a guard, where although he didn't have the imagination to become bored, he had cultivated an art of going to sleep while standing up.

It was when he was standing guard asleep one night that Cohen the Barbarian and the rest of the Silver Horde approached him. Cohen asked him if he would rather die than betray his emperor, and Mr. Saveloy added that the last 29 people who answered that question incorrectly were now dead. One Big River decided to live, and Cohen invited him into the Horde as a siege weapon. He followed, because he had been raised to do what he was told. And he had been told to follow.

After Cohen declared himself emperor, One Big River was used by Cohen as muscle to secure his position against the machinations of Lord Hong. For instance, One Big River is ordered to watch a vase where Lord Hong has hidden a spy, to fetch prisoners Lord Hong has sent to the dungeon and bring them to the Throne Room, and to make sure Lord Nine Mountains and Lady Two Streams eat some food Lord Hong happened to poison.

Cohen can't quite remember his name, however, and continually calls him One Big Mother, to the irritation of Mr. Saveloy but to the total lack of concern of One Big River.