|Publication date||20th September 2007|
|Main characters||Moist von Lipwig, Adora Belle Dearheart|
|All data relates to the first UK edition.|
It's an offer you can't refuse. Who would not to wish to be the man in charge of Ankh-Morpork's Royal Mint and the bank next door? It's a job for life. But, as former con-man Moist von Lipwig is learning, the life is not necessarily for long. The Chief Cashier is almost certainly a vampire. There's something nameless in the cellar (and the cellar itself is pretty nameless), it turns out that the Royal Mint runs at a loss. A 300 year old wizard is after his girlfriend, he's about to be exposed as a fraud, but the Assassins' Guild might get him first. In fact lot of people want him dead. Oh... and every day he has to take the Chairman for walkies. Everywhere he looks he's making enemies. What he should be doing is... Making Money!
Moist von Lipwig is content but slightly bored with his successful leadership of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office. Lord Vetinari offers him the job of running the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork and the Ankh-Morpork Mint. Moist visits both places, where he meets Mavolio Bent, the Chief Cashier and the bank's chairman Topsy Lavish. Lavish deduces that Moist is a crook and thus takes a liking to him, but after leaving Moist decides to refuse the job offer. A short while afterwards, Lavish dies and the majority of shares in the bank are inherited by her dog Mr Fusspot, making him the chairman. She has also specified in her will that Moist should ensure Mr Fusspot carries out his duties correctly and that the Assassins' Guild would enforce this contract, effectively forcing Moist to run the bank.
Moist is met with several challenges in office. The Royal Mint is operating at a loss because the metal required to produce the coins costs more than their actual value. Because the official currency is weak, many people have taken to using Post Office stamps as coins instead. He tries to reform the currency by introducing Paper Money. This brings him into conflict with both Bent and the wealthy Lavish family who try to dispose of him without success. Cosmo Lavish goes a step further and tries to replace Vetinari by taking on his identity, but fails.
Meanwhile, Adora Belle Dearheart has been working to uncover several golems from the ruins of the ancient city of Um. She succeeds in ordering them to travel to Ankh-Morpork, but due to a translation error, it is discovered that instead of sending "four golden golems", she is sending four thousand golems. This would potentially trigger a war with the neighbouring city states, who would be threatened by the 4,000 golems. Moist discovers the secret to controlling the golems and orders them to bury themselves on the outskirts of the city, except for a few that will be used for manual labour. He realises that the golems will prove a much better foundation for the currency than gold and thus introduces the 'golem standard'. A clacks message is then sent out to other cities to explain how to control the golems, to ensure that they cannot be used for warfare.
At the end of the book, Vetinari notes that the Chief Tax Collector is approaching retirement age and may soon need replacing.
- Major characters
- Moist von Lipwig, Postmaster General and Vice Chairman of the Royal Bank of Ankh-Morpork.
- Adora Belle Dearheart, fiancee of Moist and manager of the Golem Trust
- Mr Fusspot, Chairman of the Bank
- Lord Vetinari, Patrician
- Mr Mavolio Bent, Chief Cashier of the Bank
- Cosmo Lavish, a director of the Bank
- Rev Cribbins, villain with impressive teeth
- Minor characters
- Owlswick Jenkins, artist, presumed to be hangèd
- Hubert Turvy, economist
- Pucci Lavish, member of the Lavish family
- Gladys, a gender confused golem
- Drumknott, Vetinari's secretary
- Igor, Hubert Turvy's assistant
- Mr Shady, the hereditary foreman of the Mint
- Topsy Lavish, nee Turvy, Chairman of the Bank
- Death, you know who
- Stanley Howler, Head of Stamps
- Heretofore, Cosmo Lavish's secretary
- "Professor" Cranberry, Cosmo Lavish's Assassin
- Ribcage Jack, associate of Professor Cranberry
- Mr. Slant, Ankh Morpork's premier lawyer (and zombie)
- Corporal Nobby Nobbs, of the Watch
- Sergeant Fred Colon, of the Watch
- Sergeant Angua von Überwald, of the Watch
- Sacharissa Cripslock, reporter from The Times
- Aimsbury, Mr Fusspot's cook
- Peggy, Aimsbury's daughter
- Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler, sausage purveyor
- Harry King, the king of golden river
- Mrs. Cake, landlady
- Bellyster, prison guard
- Mr Spools, prínter of the firm Teemer and Spools
- Chair of Indefinite Studies
- Ponder Stibbons, a wizard
- Dr John Hicks, head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communications, (not a necromancer)
- Professor Flead, deceased necromancer
- Barnsforth a student wizard, soon to be a Doctor of Post-Mortem Communications following some terse negotiation;
- Goatly another student wizard soon to become a Doctor;
- Hammersmith Coot, a junior bank clerk
- Miss Drapes, assistant to Mavolio Bent
- Ludmilla Cake, Mrs Cake's daughter
- Robert Spittle, a bank clerk
- Ms Berenice Houser, clerk at the Ankh-Morpork Times
- Grace Speaker, an otherwise blameless woman who runs a petfood shop, who attracts Vetinari's attention.
- Constable Haddock, of the Watch
- Sergeant Detritus, of the Watch
- Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson, of the Watch
- Anoia, Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers
- Commander Samuel Vimes, of the Watch
- Lord Downey, head of the Assassins' Guild
- Dr. Whiteface, head of the Fools' Guild
Things and Concepts
Adapted by Stephen Briggs into a stage play in 2011.
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