Lord of the Privy Closet

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One of those unenviable jobs given to lesser members of the nobility or to idiot sons who have to be found some role in the royal heirarchy, however grim or unbecoming. Lord of the Privy Closet is the person saddled with tending to the Royal garderobe and commode at Sto Lat castle. Essentially they are an ennobled lavatory assistant tasked with keeping the royal privy sparkling clean. That's if they're lucky.


There indeed was a position in the Royal Household known as The Groom of The Close Stool in England. It was held that performing such an intimate duty for the King could not be entrusted to a mere commoner, and only a noble-born person could be entrusted with wiping the royal bottom and cleaning the royal orifice after a bowel movement. The parallel position in France, ( Le Porte-Coton) in the royal palace at Verseilles, called for a "helping hand", or perhaps finger, to be given whenever King Louis suffered from constipation. The corresponding lady-in-waiting position to the Queen was known as "The Lady of the Bedchamber" and the title - but not the actual duty - persists today in British royal households. There, you really needed to know that...