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In Pyramids, Alfonz is a battered seaman of the crew of the ”Unnamed”, Chidder’s “definitely not a pirate” merchant ship. Formerly crew on a pirate vessel he now works as servant to Chidder.

He has a criss-cross pattern of scars on his head and ears and his arms are comprehensively tattooed with exotic pornography. Ptraci is impressed by the rare Congress of The Friendly Dog and the Two Small Biscuits - “You can even see the yoghurt!”, and a depiction of a physically impossible position from 130 Days of Pseudopolis. After this incident Alfonz vows to never wear short sleeves again.

He carries a roll of carpet into the Djelibeybi palace, unrolling it across the floor to deliver a slightly dazed Ptraci at Teppic’s feet.

The palace Mistress of The Women uses Alfonz as an instructional aid after discovering that his back contains an illustrated history of exotic practices. Stripped to the waist, lying face down with his fingers in his ears to muffle the giggling from the handmaidens he occasionally winces as she points out items of interest from the illustrations on his hairy torso.


Derived from Old German, Alphonse means “ready for battle”.