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Name Ernie
Race Human
Occupation Tooth cart driver
Physical appearance
Residence Ankh Morport
Marital Status Married
Books Hogfather

Ernie (Ernest) drove the fastest tooth cart in the West. Well, maybe.

His job was to collect teeth from the Tooth Fairies via the bulk collections manager Charlie and deliver them to the Tower of Teeth, via the portal located in the Unreal Estate, where his grandfarther once owned property.

His cart was hijacked by Mr Teatime and his team of villains. Ernie’s role was to get them through the perimeter, something achieved with a pinch of glowing dust, Thrown in the air, it goes twing, and opens the soft place, with sparkles.

His job, and indeed his life, lasted up until Jonathan Teatime decided he was no further use.

The Unreal Estate is a very interesting place, a few streets of abandoned houses near the University. The ground is polluted by having long been the site of rubbish pits for magical refuse from the Unseen University... corroded fire spells, broken wands, that sort of thing. The wizards say that all the old spell books are buried deep, and they now recycle used spells. Complaints from residents about finding their potatoes walking about, and worse, were met with a lofty encouragement to ignore the temporary inconvenience, and the assurance that in fifty thousand years they wouldn’t notice anything at all. The half-life of magic is considerable.


The original Ernie was the creation of comedian Benny Hill, who based both a sketch and a hit song around the concept of the man who drove "the fastest milk cart in the west". As the Tooth Fairies deal with children's milk teeth...