Felicity Beedle

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The Poo Lady
Name Miss Felicity Beedle
Race Human
Age Older
Occupation Author
Physical appearance
Residence At Apple Tree Cottage, near Ramkin Hall in the Shires
Parents Mr Beedle (Father), mother raised by goblins.
Children None
Marital Status widowed
Books Snuff

Miss Felicity Beedle is the bestselling author of 57 books, many of which have to do with poo. She is the favorite author of Young Sam.

Her mother had been found by goblins in Uberwald when she was three and was raised by them. They embraced her as one of their own – teaching her the language, giving her a mushroom farm plot, allowed her to look after a rat farm. However, when she was eleven, humans came into the goblin cave and massacred most of them, but took the young girl and 'tutored' her – largely by whipping her whenever she spoke the goblin tongue. She had enough sense to learn to be sufficiently normal for them to trust her in the garden, where she vaulted over the wall and escaped. Until she met Mr Beedle, some of her best memories had been of the goblin cave. As a result of this, however, she often swore in Goblin.

She became a writer – after all, the words are out there, and it can't be too hard to put them together – for children. Titles include:

  • The World of Poo
  • The Joy of Earwax
  • Melvin and the Enormous Boil
  • The Wee Wee Men
  • The War with the Snot Goblins
  • Geoffrey and the Land of Poo
  • The Boy Who Didn't Know How To Pick His Own Scabs
  • The Little Duckling Who Thought He Was an Elephant (but not The Elephant Who Thought it Was a Duckling, because that would be silly)
  • Daphne and the Nose Pickers
  • Gaston's Enormous Problem, which won her the Gladys H. J. Ferguson Award, for the fifth time
  • Geoffrey and the Magic Pillow Case
  • Wee
  • Elephant Road

As has often been pointed out, she gets children interested in reading, even if it is reading about poo and brain-dead ducklings.

She did have a husband, although no children, but he died shortly after the marriage in the Klatchian war recounted in Jingo. When she moved to Apple Tree House in the Shires, she changed her title from 'Mrs' to 'Miss', because it tends to be more authory.

She seems to have an interest in education; she finances scholarships at the Quirm College for Young Ladies and also teaches goblins in secret to read, play music, and so forth. It has been hinted that the 'A for Apple' system is not working, as the goblins didn't know what one was before she had brought one in. It should be noted, however, that she is not teaching them to be miniature humans, but to be well-educated goblins. For example, she is improving the sanitation of the caves, and is introducing greens to help with digestion. She concentrates on the females on the basis that they are more prone to be maternal and sensible. The male goblins think that a rabbit on a stick is healthy eating taken to extremes.

The goblin girl, Tears of the Mushroom, is her star pupil. Her large hands are helpful when she plays the harp. It is unknown what she would think of Stinky...

She's probably the only publishing phenomenon mentioned living on the Discworld, which seems (surprisingly) to have less of them than on our world (fill-in-names here...)