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The Quire is the river which descends from the Ramtops and drains the Octarine Grass Country. According to Lady Sybil Ramkin, who evidently paid attention in Miss Traitor's geography lessons at the Quirm College for Young Ladies, this is the principal river of Quirm, passes through the city of Quirm, and which sustains a thriving river trade. While most of the time placid and navigable without risk, it apparently has moods which can make it unpredictably dangerous and in fact it is known colloquially as "Old Treachery" (Vieux Trahison?).

The Quire... meanders. It has the currant speed of a squashed raisin, so it has a myriad snags and sand bars, and it bad to navigate at night. It also has a population of alligators, and several thousand flies.

One of the most dangerous elements of the Quire is the damn slam, which has gained an infamous repute in boating circles. In the technical manuals, of course, the phenomenom is known as a 'Dam Slam', but anyone who experiences one learns to swear, hence the subtle change of name. A damn slam is when the debris floating on a river tangles up until it is one mass, and when the river builds up sufficiently to overcome the strength of the natural dam, it will plough it down the river, mercilessly sweeping up or capsizing everything in its path, all the way to the sea. Things can get really intense on Old Treachery in bad weather.

The details of how a damn slam was bested is recounted in Snuff.

Vessels known to travel along the Quire include:

The cheerfully downmarket seaside resort of Quiremouth is situated at the estuary and served, for day-trips and longer holidays, by the new railway.