Lancre Castle

The Lancre Castle is the location where the King of Lancre resides and holds his court. The Castle as a building overhangs a precipice by the Lancre Gorge. The building is the traditional stone, but due to the original low budget, or the harsh Ramtops weather, or the wear of the many centuries, the stones are crumbling. Many rooms are windy with holes in the walls. Every morning, the castle servants take stock of which parts have fallen down. People who have the rare business to knock on the castle doors ought to be careful so that the front facade doesn't fall down.

The castle features dungeons, a very big kitchen, and a garderobe, which is a cross between a wardrobe and an indoor privy. The grounds include bee hives and the beekeeper's hut, mews with the falconer's apartment, a rose garden that the King has dug up to plant a specimen crop of beans, and a tower at the bottom of which lies the accumulation from the garderobe.

The question arises as to why, exactly, such a tiny, insignificant, out-of-the-way village needs such a large imposing castle, which was once described as built by a master mason who'd heard about Ghormenghast but who didn't have the budget nor the space, and had to do the best he could.

Thoughtful people will consider that the purpose of a castle is to guard a strategic location and to provide a defensive position against an external threat, as well as to offer a rallying point to gather forces together to launch a counter-attack. Then they look at Lancre and consider: "Strategic location? How, exactly? A defensive position against what, exactly? A rallying point to launch a counter-attack against who, exactly?"

Perhaps a stroll down to the Goat and Bush and an offer to buy a drink for Nanny Ogg might solve the conundrum: Nanny will thank you for the drink, touch iron, and inform you that Lancre has at least two dimensional portals which have allowed undesirable external forces to get in. Well, she'd most probably phrase it as "Bloody Elves got in through the Dancers last time. And I wouldn't put it past their King to have a go through the Long Man. And he's sneakier, he is. Refill that for me, there's a love?"

As well as the Gentry, there has been a recent vampire problem...

Residents and people who hang around:

• Verence II, King of Lancre
• Magrat Garlick, Queen
• Princess Esmerelda Margaret Note Spelling of Lancre

• Mr. Brooks, the royal beekeeper.
• Millie Chillum, the maid.
• Hodgesaargh, the royal falconer.
• Shawn Ogg, The (entire) Standing Army of Lancre, Postman, operator of the Royal Mint, cleaner of the Garderobe, etc, etc, etc.
• Mrs. Scorbic, the cook.
• Mr. Spriggins, the butler.
• Poldy, Champett former royal guard.

Annotation

Ref. the Garderobe doing double-duty as toilet and as a place to store expensive clothing.

On Roundworld, visit Conwy Castle in North Wales. On a stretch of castle wall overlooking the railway line, regard those nine or ten strange cubicle-like structures overhanging the moat. What is their purpose in the scheme of things? Yup, those are garderobes: the large openings underneath are a dead giveaway. And that tower just to the left? That was the home, workplace, and storage-room for The Keeper of The King's Wardrobe. It's no accident the garderobes are on the immediately adjacent stretch of wall, as it was thought that the smell really DID keep the moths at bay...

File:Castell conwy - plaisiau y cachu.jpg

Those garderobes at Conway, with the Keeper of the King's Wardrobe's Tower to left.